Title: Brain burn
Tags: Humor
Blog Entry: I just finished off a pint of ice cream. Suddenly, I realized I had eaten it a bit too fast and the brain burn that followed revealed a giggle I had not had in many, many years. I started laughing as the memory came to the surface and fell off the bed. I grabbed the TV tray as I went down and brought all its contents down on top of me. I was still laughing as I got up, farted twice, and made my way to the bathroom. I knew it was too late to try and save the little lunch I had on the tray and decided the dogs would do a better job of cleaning it up than I would. While they are doing that let me explain. I used to love to listen to my grandmother's phone conversations. Many times she would get to laughing and it made her tummy jiggle. I loved to watch her laugh. This one particular phone conversation had given me (I thought) a secret to the universe. “I don't understand how anyone could be so stupid. Men, they keep their brains in their pants.” She looks at me sitting in the hall listening to her conversation and says, “Men, sit on their brains.” This revolution explained a lot. At the age of seven, I now understood what it was all about. I had heard that little boys were full of snails and puppy dog tails and little girls were full of spice and everything nice. I had seen a little boy without his clothes on and understood they had a puppy dog tail for sure. But to learn, it was also where they kept their brains. Poor dears. Then she said, “When God was passing out brains, the men thought he said pain and ask for as little as possible. They spend their entire lives looking for that missing Chromosome.” I stared at my grandmother and watched as her face turned red. She suddenly realized I had overheard her outburst. The look on my face told her she had confused me and scared me a little. “ You, Okay?” The red in her face started to fade as a warm smile replaced the lips that had been pressed together. She did that when she was angry. I learned more about the problem after my mom got home from work. Grandmother was in the middle of a “homemade ice cream” contest at a county fair coming up soon. She had prepared a very special recipe for a butter pecan that was really very good. We were all going to try it after dinner that very night. She had made the mistake of telling her older sister about it. Lilly, or so I remember, could never keep a secret. Lilly had told her husband about the recipe. He ran the county newspaper. He had decided to publish it in the paper. He did not ask and no one knew about it until grandmother read her wonderful discovery in the paper. The contest was four days away. She was going to have to come up with a new flavor in four days. She was very upset about the whole thing. She was not sure if she was more angry at Lilly or her brother-in-law. She decided it was the brother-in-law. He knew about the contest because the paper was one of the sponsors. He just did not seem to think it was a big secret. The lady who had won the contest for several years would now have access to her new masterpiece. The entire situation had been discussed in detail during dinner that evening. I have to admit... I kind of rushed through my dinner. I really wanted some of the ice cream I had helped in making. I had gotten to turn the handle a few times. I knew it was going to be great. The time had come. Grandmother dished up each bowl with one big scoop. I was sitting on my daddy's lap as he got a big spoon full of the icy delight. His face showed him enjoying the flavor and then grabbing his head. He yelled, “Brain burn”. I instantly jumped off his lap. “I am so sorry daddy, I did not mean to be sitting on your brains.” I jumped so quickly it caught him off guard and he too jumped as my foot landed squarely in his crotch. Now, he is holding both his head and his crotch and trying to walk with his knees together. I felt so badly. He started to sit back down... I screamed... not on your brains, please.” All three adults started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny then. Daddy thought he would save the day, "May I make a suggestion? Why not throw some of your wonderful apple cinnimon preserves in with it. It won a blue ribbon last year." Suddenly, grandmother grinned really big. "Yes." She gave Daddy a big hug and said, "And I thought you men did not have a brain in your head." I quickly corrected her. "It is in their pants... remember?" Grandmother did not realize this memory would have a lasting effect on me. I never sat on Santa's lap again. I always stood when I spoke to him. Grandmother was always bragging about how smart my Daddy was. He was smart enough to marry my mommy. I did not realize it then but my "independent woman" training had already started. How many times over the years had I had to depend upon myself? I had learned to love my spouse for the wonderful person they were and that it was not their job to make me happy. I was the only one who could do that. It is up to each person, man or woman, to create their own happiness. If they keep waiting for it or waiting for someone else to give it to them.... they will really miss out or it will be short lived. The term brain burn never had quiet the same meaning to me. As I sit here nursing the end of my latest brain burn... I again started laughing and thought it might be worth sharing.
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