Father’s Day June 17, 2012
I missed many opportunities to tell my dad just how much I really loved him. He has now been gone for nearly eight years. I cannot pick up the phone to call him, write him a letter or drive over to see him. There were times that I could have done all of these things and I refused too. I once blamed him for my lack of contact with him, but now that I am older, and I hope wiser, I know that the blame falls on me and my pride.
He was my Dad and I loved him very much. He was not perfect and I chose to dwell on his imperfections instead of seeing him for who he truly was. My daddy was human and as a human, just like the rest of us, he had flaws. He was however the only Daddy that I had and I miss him more than I thought that I ever would.
I cannot post pictures of him on the Internet as others do. Why you might wonder. I cannot stand to look at his pictures because when I do, I am reminded of the times that I could have gone to see him and I failed to, the times I could have called and I did not, and most of all of the times that I drove past his house unaware of just how sick he was and I did not stop to visit him.
I remember so well the night that the call came to tell me he was no longer here. It was a call I truly never expected. My daddy had always been there. Even when I went years without hearing from him, somehow I always knew that he was there, somewhere. I never expected him to die and leave me.
As a child, I shed many tears over his shortcomings, but as an adult, the tears that I have shed for my daddy have all been due to my shortcomings and my unwillingness to forgive him. As I said earlier, he was not perfect, but he was my daddy and I loved him more than I am sure he ever knew.
Today, I once again cry tears for my daddy; not for all the times that I could have seen him when he was alive, but for all the times I have not seen him since he died. I took it for granted that he would always be there and he just isn’t here anymore.
There is so much of my life that I wish he had been here to see. I wish he could see how my children turned out. He would have been so proud of them. I can just hear the pride in his voice as he would have learned of Joshua completing Marine Corps Drill Instructor School this week. I know that he would have beamed with pride as he watched as Kayla walked down the aisle to marry Kristopher. I have a picture of my granny, my dad and my son and myself all sitting together as four generations. I will never have a picture of my grandson with his great-grandfather. I believe that Daddy would have loved him; sadly, I will never know.
I remember that week in August 2004 so well. Joshua was leaving for college and I was going to take him to see Daddy. I remember thinking that when Friday finally arrived and it was time to go surprise my dad, he was going to be so happy to know that his grandson would be so close, only twelve miles up the road. I had decided to put our past behind us and spend the rest of my life being his daughter and allowing him to be my father.
That Friday will forever be branded upon my heart and mind; not because I took my son to see his grandfather on the way to college, but because I stood and watched my son next to my father as he stood saying goodbye to his grandfather as my father lay in his casket; Friday had finally arrived and it was too late.
There was no more time to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry. There was no time left to tell him that I forgave him for all his transgressions. The words that I screamed inside would forever stay hidden deep within my heart and mind as time had run out, my daddy was dead and he would never hear the words that I had spent the previous week rehearsing.
Now I can travel to the cemetery and leave flags and flowers as proof of my visit, but the time for my father to know how much I truly loved him has passed. These things are just tokens of what I could have done while he was still living. They mean absolutely nothing to him.
Today is Father’s Day 2012. If you have a father that is alive and breathing, I do care how you feel about him, I care about how you will feel about yourself when it is too late. Call your dad. Write your dad a letter. Forgive your Dad for his transgressions and move on with your life. Clear your conscious so that if your Friday ever arrives, the grief that you feel and the tears that you will shed, will be because you miss your father and not because you had a chance to make amends and you failed to take action.
Fathers are people and as people, we all make mistakes. We all sin and we all fall short of the expectations of others. None of us are perfect. I cannot go back and change my mistakes, but I can share my story in hopes of helping others to lessen the burden they will have when there Friday arrives and they stand next to the grave as their father is lowered into the ground never to be seen again in this lifetime.
If my Daddy were here today, I would be telling him Happy Father’s Day. He is not so…..
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL DADDYS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!
Tags: Fther's Day Fathers Children Death Guilt Forgiveness Time