This is for the outdoor enthusiast-type gentleman who cannot figure out why the lady in his life is less than wildly overjoyed to be asked on a camping trip. It's also for all of us poor females who've had trouble telling our men why, in spite of the fact that we love 'em to death, our response to a camping invitation is to scramble for a plausible (or even wildly improbable) reason as to why we cannot go.
Now, you might be thinking it's the bugs. Not many of us gals like 'em, that's the truth. But they have stinky bug spray in most any store in the land, guaranteed to drive off all bug species (and practically all other species, as well) Never you mind that by the end of our camping trip we shall be coated with 20 layers of dirt since bug repellant somehow NEVER completely dries and is sticky enough to double up as hair spray. Nope, we've got the bug thing licked.
Perhaps you were thinking it's the wild animals. Honey, that's what YOU'RE there for. Besides, any gal who's been in a bar on a Saturday night is not gonna be phased by wild critters...she's been there, done that.
It isn't a middle of the night downpour which floods the tent. That's unpleasant, but not a deal breaker.
Listen up, fellas, 'cause this is it: No female in her right mind ever EVER wants to pee in the great outdoors. The thought of DAYS of having to do so is enough to curdle the milk of human kindness for any woman, period. Let me tell you why...
Understand that we've likely put off this little chore until we're doing the pee-pee dance and cannot possibly wait any longer. So there's URGENCY involved. And unlike you macho types, we ladies like our privacy. That means we have to locate a bush, tree, really big rock or some such to get behind. In the woods, that likely means thrashing through brush with stickers, thorns, cockleburs, or those three-leaved plants that we're not supposed to touch; but we're on a mission to find a decent spot for our little bit of business and not likely to be counting leaves. We'll pay for that one later.
After finding our private locale and checking to see if we are indeed alone, it's time to rearrange some clothes. Heaven help us if we're wearing such a thing as a dress and pantyhose. Any woman who can pee outdoors with that kind of gear on deserves a medal, in my book. We'll assume pants are worn. The process is to get the pants and undies down and hold them out of our way as we squat. This is while balancing on whatever terrain we've got to work with. Why hold the pants outta the way?? Pee splashes. I don't care how close or how far away from the ground you are, whether the stream is fast or slow. Doesn't matter, that stuff is gonna splash. Hence, we hold the clothes as far away as possible. While squatting. Try that some time, fellas. And that's just the start.
Splashing...ladies, you all know this. We get splashed no matter what. Not only that (and this is the kicker)...I don't care what kind of ground you've got to work with. Uphill, downhill, flat as a board, porous, hard clay, moss-covered, completely bare. Does not matter. When ladies pee outdoors I guarantee you this: THAT PEE IS GONNA MAKE A BEELINE FOR ONE OR BOTH OF YOUR FEET. And there we are squatting down and holding onto our pants, doing a ducky hop to try and keep our feet away from that rapidly advancing stream. If we're really lucky we don't fall over into the afore mentioned thorns, cockleburs, etc.
Lets say that we've managed to finish and only splashed ourselves a teensy bit. (We're still gonna feel horribly besmirched, even though the stuff is sterile. We don't care, it's still yucky.) Now we get to delicately pat ourselves dry. With what? Well, perhaps we packed some toilet paper with us. Where? In our pants pocket, of course. So now we get to try and dig out that paper while still balancing, perhaps still doing the ducky hop, squatted down; all without falling over. Again. Or perhaps we somehow held the stuff in our hands with our pants and undies. Still gotta balance and wipe, then back away from the puddle in order to get our clothing back up. All without falling over. Perhaps that's why we girls are not always impressed with a circus balancing act, no matter how spectacular. We've had to precariously balance, too.
And if we didn't bring paper? Didja know that the absorbency of ANY leaf is less than zero? And that they TEAR???
I haven't mentioned that whatever industrial strength bug repellant we have on is going to mysteriously wear off in the midst of this whole operation, so you can add swatting at flies, mosquitos, bees and other assorted nuisances to the list of tasks we perform while holding our clothes and doing the ducky hop.
And I haven't mentioned trying to do this in the dark. Add in holding a flashlight to the above. Or that downpour that flooded the tent. Then we get to do all of the above while balancing on WET, SLIPPERY ground. Or having a thick coat on that is keeping us warm, but acting like a straitjacket in restricting arm movement. (Have fun holding onto the pants n' undies when you can barely reach 'em.)
We love you men to pieces, but if you wanna get us in the 'great' outdoors...be kind and arrange for some indoor plumbing.
Now, be a love and pass me the calamine lotion, would you?
P.H. (balanced?)
