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Shadows
Posted On 04/27/2008 10:38:02 by Thundercloud

I think everyone has shadows in their past. Some dark corners that don't look very pretty when the light of day shines upon them.

Maybe I just think everyone has shadows in their pasts because I have so many. Or maybe others have too many too. Or maybe very few really do, but it is comforting to think they do.

It occurs to me that I can't base my life on what happens to others. It's true, I think, that we all need to feel that we're not alone - that others share some of the same things we don't like about ourselves. But we all bear the consequences of our own actions - and looking for faults and shadows in others is no way to fix the faults in me or shed light on the shadows I've buried deep beside the path of my life.

When I was younger I used to think I had an infinite amount of time to fix things that needed to be fixed; that I had plenty of time to repair the bridges I've burned, or hurts and pain I've cause others.

But no matter what stage of life I was in, I never had an infinite amount of time left. It just seems that way when you are young. As I grow older and see the time in front of me growing shorter and the time behind me stretching endlessly to a horizon that I can barely even see anymore, I realize that I may not have time enough left to scrub away all of those shadows that hide in the dark corners of my past.

Time caught up with me and the shadows still follow me.

So I need to try to find a way, if not to wash away some of these shadows to at least lighten them, I find myself being the same old me and looking for an easy way to do it. That's why I look for shadows in other people's lives. At least, I tell myself, if others carry shadows around with them, then I'm not alone.

But, I am alone. We're all alone. We all come into this world alone and we all leave it alone no matter how many are standing around us at each end of our lives. I can't erase or, at least lighten, shadows in my own life by finding that others have them too. It just some sort of flaw in me that makes me look for things to make me say - "Hey! I'm not so bad." But, the shadows remain and the fact remains the time I have left to do anything about them is limited to the time God allows me to reside on this earth.

I know that I'll never erase all the shadows in my life. I know that even if I had fifty more years left, I couldn't do it. There are too many that I've buried too deep for any light at all to ever fall upon them.

I tell myself tomorrow I'll start erasing as many as I can. Again I catch myself creating another tiny shadow. Something I'll feel just a tiny bit guilty about tomorrow. Because, when tomorrow comes, I will put it off again and tomorrow will turn into today and then yesterday and I'll still be promising myself to start erasing them "tomorrow". At this rate I'll be dead before that "tomorrow" ever comes.

I'll start erasing some of these shadows of my own design today. I catch myself looking for the ones that are the easiest to shine light on - ones that aren't too embarrassing or too hurtful for me to examine in the light of day.

The same old me, I think to myself. It's a good thing that no one can really feel what I feel or hear what I am thinking in the those deepest of private thoughts. I think they'd find a mess in me. I am beginning to see more and more that I'm not like anyone else. I used to think this was a good thing. Now I wonder.

I can imagine what others are thinking as I spill my guts in this train-of-consciousness blog or essay or whatever this is.

I'm not too much like you. My shadows are deep and buried and I don't even know where to start to begin to dig them out and try to at least let a little light fall upon them.

I wish now I would have been more careful in my youth and middle-years to not make such a crazy menagerie of shadows and then bury them deep trying to hide them from others.

Now I have shadows I can feel but cannot see becuase I've spent too many years hiding them from myself.

Shadows are best never made in the first place - and it's a bit late for me to find that out now.




Tags: Life Wrong Right Morality Learning



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Viewing 1 - 9 out of 9 Comments

From: Thundercloud
05/11/2008 02:31:33

Thanks for the reminder and for reading my blog.

Best wishes,

TC


 shaka7 wrote:

I do love this "Shadows" How true, it is never too late though, you wrote a wonderful life is an attitude, perhaps thats the way to go.



From: shaka7
05/11/2008 02:19:51

I do love this "Shadows" How true, it is never too late though, you wrote a wonderful life is an attitude, perhaps thats the way to go.

From: Thundercloud
05/04/2008 20:10:34

Thanks for your eloquent remarks...and for ready my blog.

Best wishes,

TC


 purplecritter wrote:

Thank you, TC, for having the courage to recognize your shadows, and then the greater courage to share your knowing with us! I can find myself in your words, for sure. Your awareness of the impossibility of bringing all the shadows into a bright noon-day sun is a reminder to me to undo what I can NOW and attempt to created no more Shadows. You essay is a gift - thank you. Pat



From: purplecritter
05/04/2008 17:13:05

Thank you, TC, for having the courage to recognize your shadows, and then the greater courage to share your knowing with us!   I can find myself in your words, for sure.   Your awareness of the impossibility of bringing all the shadows into a bright noon-day sun is a reminder to me to undo what I can NOW and attempt to created no more Shadows.   You essay is a gift - thank you.  Pat

From: Jonma
05/03/2008 11:13:04

TC, we all have shadows of different shades and textures.  If you really want to unburden yourself, give them to GOD, as he is the only one capable of taking care of them.  I am not a religious nut, but do believe in the Almighty and his capacity for forgiveness.  JM

From: nanzee6
05/01/2008 20:10:50

I have a question for you. Are you at peace with yourself in the person you have become because of these past experiences? Life is a learning process; we all learn by trial and error. You are NOT the only one with shadows.......live in the present and not the past,  The shadows have made you the man you are today. Having read many of your rants and now this blog, you are one heck of a great guy and thank you for sharing your innermost self.


'That's all she wrote.'


hugs,


Nance


 

From: NoordZee
04/27/2008 19:38:38

TC, I am very touched by your Blog here.  Others have given you adequate responses, some of which are very good.  I can so relate to what you wrote here.  You don't have to do anything specifically wrong, but you cannot escape shadows creeping into your life.  Of course, if we were able to use our wisdom today in our youth,  we all would be somewhere else today.  I wish that I had done this or I regret what I have done.  There is not a person on this earth to whom all this does not apply.  We are prisoners of our mind and are seemingly totally identified with our thoughts instead of just observing them.

Nobody can undo the past.  What has happened has happened.  You cannot even blame yourself for having created any shadows in your life.  You simply were not sufficiently enligthened as some spiritual teachers would say.  I stop here lest I fall into the trap of rambling on.  All I can say is that the past and the future do actually not exist other than in your thoughts.  As thoughts are electro-chemical impulses and thus energy, how can they represent the past?

Thank you again for this inspiring Blogg.

Frits aka NoordZee

From: svurvt
04/27/2008 16:22:48

Agreed, everyone has shadows, moments in life they are not proud of and regret. 


 


For me, I have learned not to regret the past, but learn from it and change the character traits I would rather bury.  Since I cannot change one second of the past, erasure is beyond my power and abilities. 


 


The way I deal with this is to work each day to improve on the areas that create my shadows and to be happy with whom I am today (rarely successfully, but I keep working at it.)  When my actions cause shadows, hurting another, then apologizing, amending, healing those actions is immediately called for.  Infinity is not in my future, so shining light on my shadowy deeds eliminates the need for fixing up my mess in the future and helps me to recognize and change what causes the same old problems.  Daily changing of my attitude and behaviors is the way I sweep away the shadows of the past, letting my current actions show evidence that those shadows are fading in the light.


 


Ah, to have the wisdom of age in my youth, then I would have…  Rather I have gained wisdom from my experiences, both good and bad.  Shadows can be powerful teachers.  The selfish and arrogant actions of my younger days, allows me to easily accept and forgive similar actions by new generations.  I wonder how often this was true of those who were impacted by my outrageous behaviors, maybe my shadows are just that gray memories without true substance. 


 


Forgiveness for my insensitive actions is what I crave for banishing those shadows.  Today, I ask for pardon for my negative impact on someone.  Whether or not it is granted, I can walk away with a clean conscience and lighter shadows. 


 


Thanks for the viewpoint, TC.  I have enjoyed your Rants since signing up for CloudEight, they are always thought provoking.


 


cb

From: kiwibarb
04/27/2008 13:55:32

Shadows do not have to be dwelt upon. If you have shadows they are a fact of life, and can't be undone. Why should you seek a way to lighten them? The past is over and done wiith, let it lie. Focus on the present, not the past, not the future.

What are shadows anyway? Just something regrettable that you did, or didn't do. That, my friend, is the essence of life. Doing things, good and bad, finding out later that it wasn't so good, or wasn't so bad. These things are not really making shadows, they are contributing to your personality.  They constitute what is the essential YOU, the being that others appreciate. For every shadow, you also have a ray of sunshine if you could only see it. Those are the good things you have done, and they will far outweigh all your shadows.

Your blog is great, very thought-provoking.

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