My wife gave me that look. The look that says, "don't argue, it's time to go." I know then what I must do and my mind quickly races through the checklist. Reeboks for anti-skid and quick turns and abrupt stops. Long sleeved shirts to hide the elbow pads. Gloves and lifting belt for the eventual heavy lifting. The gladiator instinct within me has me doing some quick limbering exercises for it is time to leave. The clock on the wall says it's the optimum time to ensure our best chances for survival. It's now or never...we're on our way to Walmart, we're going combat shopping.
I don't have anything against Walmart. I mean where else can you buy booties for your infant neice, writing supplies, a frozen pizza, and a gun under one roof?
My son learned to count, thanks to Walmart. I was so proud when at the tender age of five he could look up at me and shout from the long Express Checkout line, "look Daddy, she has twenty-two items!" I still wonder where he learned that. It's the nature of the beast and we must respect the beast. Thanks to Walmart, I have learned what a shopping basket is called in twelve different languages.
After safely returning from one of our Walmart adventures, I've taken a few moments to jot down a few of my observations gleaned from a typical safari.
There are three major classifications of Walmart shoppers, and familiarity with these may one day save you from disaster.
The first shopper to watch for is the ZOMBIE. He or she wanders the aisles in a daze without any clue as to where they are going, why they are going there, or how they even ended up in Walmart. It is thought by some scholars of Walmartism that these Zombies never leave the store and fear of discovery was the reason Walmart went to 24-hour operations in many locales. It has even been rumored that the FBI is now tapping this resource for locating missing persons.
The Zombie will invariably stop in front of the shelf you were headed towards and just gaze at the ceiling as if somehow he knew you needed hot dog buns. The Zombie may look to the left and then shuffle to the right just as you were trying to pass. He will cut you off in a heartbeat and may even be watching you in the parking lot and make another attempt to get you as you leave as some have been known to operate motor vehicles.
The second shopper group is the FAMILY. You will easily recognize them by the screaming infants, the loaded shopping cart zipping down the aisle on three clicking wheels, burdened with four jumbo-sized toddlers hanging from all sides and a mother somewhere in Women's Clothing considering a switch to Zombie status. The Family will run you down without hesitation. You must be quick and nimble, ready to dodge left or right at a moment's notice.
The third and last major shopper group is the LIST MAN. He is always alone. He is usually caucasian, between the ages of 35 and 50 and chooses the small handbasket rather than the cumbersome shopping cart. He walks quickly from one end of the store to the other. He consults his shopping list frequently as he scurries down the aisles to retrieve the next listed item. Do not get in this man's way! He knows what he wants and where to go to get it. He is on a mission and heaven help the Zombie in List Man's path. It is thought by shopping fundamentalists to be of bad form but use List Man as you would follow an ambulance in heavy traffic. Let him pave the way for you when you're really pressed for time.
I realize some people refuse to shop at Walmart for principles more profound than are represented here but I am just a common Joe in the trenches looking for a bargain.
Respect the enemy, know him and you will survive to shop another day.
Jim
