I just finished off a pint of ice cream. Suddenly, I realized I had eaten it a bit too fast and the brain burn that followed revealed a giggle I had not had in many, many years. I started laughing as the memory came to the surface and fell off the bed. I grabbed the TV tray as I went down and brought all its contents down on top of me. I was still laughing as I got up, farted twice, and made my way to the bathroom. I knew it was too late to try and save the little lunch I had on the tray and decided the dogs would do a better job of cleaning it up than I would.

While they are doing that let me explain. I used to love to listen to my grandmother's phone conversations. Many times she would get to laughing and it made her tummy jiggle. I loved to watch her laugh. This one particular phone conversation had given me (I thought) a secret to the universe. “I don't understand how anyone could be so stupid. Men, they keep their brains in their pants.” She looks at me sitting in the hall listening to her conversation and says, “Men, sit on their brains.”

This revolution explained a lot. At the age of seven, I now understood what it was all about. I had heard that little boys were full of snails and puppy dog tails and little girls were full of spice and everything nice. I had seen a little boy without his clothes on and understood they had a puppy dog tail for sure. But to learn, it was also where they kept their brains. Poor dears.

Then she said, “When God was passing out brains, the men thought he said pain and ask for as little as possible. They spend their entire lives looking for that missing Chromosome.” I stared at my grandmother and watched as her face turned red. She suddenly realized I had overheard her outburst. The look on my face told her she had confused me and scared me a little.

“You, Okay?” The red in her face started to fade as a warm smile replaced the lips that had been pressed together. She did that when she was angry. I learned more about the problem after my mom got home from work.

Grandmother was in the middle of a “homemade ice cream” contest at a county fair coming up soon. She had prepared a very special recipe for a butter pecan that was really very good. We were all going to try it after dinner that very night. She had made the mistake of telling her older sister about it. Lilly, or so I remember, could never keep a secret. Lilly had told her husband about the recipe. He ran the county newspaper. He had decided to publish it in the paper. He did not ask and no one knew about it until grandmother read her wonderful discovery in the paper.

The contest was four days away. She was going to have to come up with a new flavor in four days. She was very upset about the whole thing. She was not sure if she was more angry at Lilly or her brother-in-law. She decided it was the brother-in-law. He knew about the contest because the paper was one of the sponsors. He just did not seem to think it was a big secret. The lady who had won the contest for several years would now have access to her new masterpiece.

The entire situation had been discussed in detail during dinner that evening. I have to admit... I kind of rushed through my dinner. I really wanted some of the ice cream I had helped in making. I had gotten to turn the handle a few times. I knew it was going to be great.

The time had come. Grandmother dished up each bowl with one big scoop. I was sitting on my daddy's lap as he got a big spoon full of the icy delight. His face showed him enjoying the flavor and then grabbing his head. He yelled, “Brain burn”.

I instantly jumped off his lap. “I am so sorry daddy, I did not mean to be sitting on your brains.” I jumped so quickly it caught him off guard and he too jumped as my foot landed squarely in his crotch. Now, he is holding both his head and his crotch and trying to walk with his knees together. I felt so badly. He started to sit back down... I screamed... not on your brains, please.”

All three adults started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny then.  Daddy thought he would save the day, "May I make a suggestion?  Why not throw some of your wonderful apple cinnimon preserves in with it.  It won a blue ribbon last year."  Suddenly, grandmother grinned really big.  "Yes."  She gave Daddy a big hug and said, "And I thought you men did not have a brain in your head."

I quickly corrected her.  "It is in their pants... remember?"

Grandmother did not realize this memory would have a lasting effect on me.  I never sat on Santa's lap again. I always stood when I spoke to him.

Grandmother was always bragging about how smart my Daddy was.  He was smart enough to marry my mommy.  I did not realize it then but my "independent woman" training had already started.  How many times over the years had I had to depend upon myself?  I had learned to love my spouse for the wonderful person they were and that it was not their job to make me happy.  I was the only one who could do that.  It is up to each person, man or woman, to create their own happiness.  If they keep waiting for it or waiting for someone else to give it to them.... they will really miss out or it will be short lived.

The term brain burn never had quiet the same meaning to me. As I sit here nursing the end of my latest brain burn... I again started laughing and thought it might be worth sharing.

Tags: Humor

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I usually went to see my grandmother every Thursday so was very surprised when I got her urgent call to come see her on Wednesday.  I heard the message on my answering machine.  She needed me today.

My husband, Ray, was busy working on his sermon for the following Sunday so I rearranged some of my appointments and left within the hour.  I knew Grandmother would be having breakfast downstairs in the dining hall of the fancy senior center where she now had an apartment.  It would be a waste of time to try and call her.

My grandmother had been my best friend as I was going up and nothing had changed once I became an adult.  She had been there through all my ups and downs.  I had been there for her as well.  It was an unspoken pact we had.  Nothing had changed even though she was (at this time) in her 80’s and I had survived being a widow and was once again married.  We talked about absolutely everything; nothing seemed to be off limits.

When I arrived I found her just leaving the dining hall and headed towards the elevators.  We greeted and hugged and then she said, “I gotta’ get you to take me to the drug store.  Let’s go upstairs and I’ll tell you what’s new around here.” 

I could not even imagine.  It had only been a week since I had been here.  I knew she had started dating one of the men in the building but knew very little else.  When we got on the elevator another woman got on with us.  She and grandmother nodded to each other.  I noticed grandmother’s face had turned beet red and she quickly lower her eyes and stared at the floor.  “I want you to try my new recipe.  I just know Ray will love it.  You can fix it for him on Sunday.”   I had no idea what she was talking about but went along with it.  “That would be wonderful.”  She glanced up at me as if to say, “Thank you.”

 She did not introduce me to the woman nor did she say a word to her during the entire ride.  The woman got out on the floor below my grandmother’s.  When the door closed grandmother signed loudly and said, “That little b-witch is after my Louis.  I am goin' to make it so it ain’t so nice for her or him for that matter, but I gotta’ get to the drug store or it ain’t gonna’ work.”  My curiosity was going wild at this point.  I started to say something but grandmother had anticipated it and put up both her hands, palm facing me, as if I was holding her at gun point.  "Shhhh...." is all she said.

The doors opened and she put her finger to her lips and ushered me down the hall.  She used a key and opened the door to an apartment that was not her own.  I suspected it was Louis’s apartment.  She quietly went into the bathroom cabinet and took out a prescription bottle and then just as quietly ushered me out with her.  I followed her.  I was very confused.  We finally got to her apartment and went inside.

Grandmother let out a big sigh and patted her chest as if she were some spy.  She said “Sit down honey, please, don’t think badly of me.  I’m going to tell you something that might shock you.”  I sat down on the bed where she had patted.  She sat down in the chair beside the bed.  I glanced down at the floor and noticed a pair of men’s slippers under the bed.  I was surprised but did not let it show.  “First, nothing I’m going to tell you is to go further than this room.  Do not tell your mother or even Ray about this.  Do you understand?”  I shook my head to the affirmative.

 “I am, or I was, having an affair with Louis.”  She paused to see if I would look shocked.  I motioned for her to continue without any fan fair.  “Well, it started some time back and everything was goin’ great.  Then that woman moved in downstairs.  She saw Louis and I eating together, playing dominoes, and even going to the ballroom dance together.  She knew we were (she winked) an item.  She then paused and took a deep breath. 

“Well, have you ever heard of Viagra?”  I giggled inside and just smiled and said, “Yes, dear, I have.”  Well, Louis has to use it.  You know he is older than me."  I am thinking to myself, you are 83 so how old is he? She continued, "Now, before you say anything,   I am not of a mind to face your mother's look about me living in sin nor face Lilly's scorn for knocking it when she did it either."  Lilly, her older sister had an affair when she was 103 that was blamed for her boyfriend's death.  He was only 106 when he died.  "I don’t want to get married again.  It would only mess up our social security and our pensions.  We just want a little sex and companionship.  In order to do that at our age we gotta’ have help.”  Again, I nodded.  I could not believe my ears but enchanted to learn yet another facet of this wonderful woman.  I gave her an understanding pat on the shoulder and motioned her to continue.

“That,  she-devil,  started taking him dinners and deserts and cookin’ for him.  She invited herself over.  Louis is a kind man and would never be rude.  I decided to fix it so she would only get the companion side of Louis.  It took me a while, but I found a baby medication that turned out to be a laxative that looks just like Viagra.  I replaced all his pills with the baby laxative.  I have all his real Viagra here in this drawer.  Now he thinks her cookin’ gives him the runs.  But the best part is he thinks I’m the only one he can you know (she winks again) turn him on.”   He just got a new prescription yesterday.  I know she is cookin’ up a storm.  I had to get to the store today to replace these pills.”  I was grinning and giggled a little.  I never realized until that moment that Grandmother was a true Southern Woman right down to the lace on her girdle.  We gathered up what she needed and headed to the drug store.  I briefly thought about the pearl handled revolver her grandmother wore in her garter belt.  Grandmother had come from some strong stock for sure.

When we got back we chatted as she made the pill exchange and returned the prescription bottle to Louis’s medicine cabinet.  I asked, “Where is Louis today?”  Oh, his son came and got him last night so he won’t be back until this evening.  That is why we had to do this quick before this evening when he gets back.”   We visited a little more.  I had to ask, “Aren’t you angry at Louis for cheating on you?”  She stopped and looked almost past me and said, “You got to understand men.  They gotta think they are in charge.  I never told Louis we were exclusive.  I even let him see me eating with a couple of other guys.  They were harmless from the waist down, but he did not know that.  Men don’t tell other men when the "conductor" ain’t workin’ if you know what I mean.”  I had to laugh.  Still the Southern lady at heart.  The "conductor," the one in charge, she always said.  When the conductor is happy the music is sweet.  

Then she started staring out the window and then started laughing real hard.  I could not stand it.  “What is so funny?”  She said, “I’m just wicked.  You know Louis has some bad memory problems.  That is why he is in here.  His son did not want him to live alone any more.  I did some research on this Viagra.  They have spent more money on developing it than they have researching memory loss in the elderly.  Louis also had a problem with it once because his erection lasted for about 3 hours.  I have learned by cutting the pill in half everything works fine.  Full strength is dangerous for the poor guy.  I’m doin’ him a favor.”  She laughed so hard tears were coming down her cheeks and she could not catch her breath.  Then she said, “I just had the thought.  What if I had left his prescription alone?  If that b-witch had gone over there we might have seen the headline in the paper, ‘Woman raped… man escapes on Pogo stick.’”  Grandmother slapped her knee and threw her head back laughing.  I joined her.  She then said, “He would not remember it by the time they caught him that is for sure.  You don’t know how many times we have had ‘our first time’.”  She giggled again.

I looked at this wonderful woman.  She stood 4’11” with a peaches and cream complexion, hazel eyes, and auburn hair.  Only one time did I ever see her white roots and that was just before she disappeared into the bathroom with a bottle of hair dye.  She was always a lady.  It was nice to know she was keeping up with her exercises; as she called it.  She was still just as sharp then as she was when I was just a kid.  Oh, how I miss her.  I hope I have not offended anyone with the memory.  It is one of favorite giggles.  You are never too old to remember the good times.

 Her attitude was always one of her best qualities.  I giggle every time I stumble across this memory in my mind.  I remember how delighted she was that Louis never could figure out how she knew when he had "thought" about cheating on her.   “Poor man got the runs every single time.”  She said she was always good at sharing but not when it came to her exercise partner. You don’t ever turn into a nag where a man is concerned.  Don’t tell them they can’t go shoppin’.  They will always want to do exactly what they ain’t supposed to do.  Just to prove they are in charge.  No, it is best to make sure they ain’t got nothin’  to go shoppin’ with.”

I asked her how she got the key to his apartment.   She said it was easy. "On his birthday I gave him a 10 gallon aquarium and several plants to cheer up his little apartment and to help him relax. His son comes and gets him often for trips that sometimes last 10 days or longer. I knew if I offered to take care of his fish and his plants he would give me a key.  I did not ask for it.   That would be unladylike.”  Grandmother fluttered her eyelashes at me and grinned.  Then she continued.  “He also knows he is never allowed into my place unless the hall is empty.  He is never allowed to leave unless he is fully dressed and the hall is empty.  That way if he brags, no one will believe him.  Besides everyone around here thinks I am a prude and I would just like to not shatter their thoughts on the subject."

 She helped me understand that a man that still had both hips and did not need a walker was a very attractive thing in a senior citizen's community.  The women always outnumber the men.  I know how to play bridge, but I am much better at dominoes.”  She winked.   She shrugged her shoulders and said, “Those ole’ bitties round here just talk about other ole’ bitties.  I just ain’t into tearing other people down.  I just make sure not to give any of them any ammunition about me.  They think I’m a prude, let them.”  She glanced up at me with a grin, “I’ll never tell them different.”  She giggled a little and signed.  There was a lot of sound advice in her words but the most valuable thing I learned was to keep livin’, stay true to yourself, and enjoy life every chance you get.  Above all else be kind when ever possible.

I had asked her about foreplay during our visit.  I was just curious how they got started.  I asked what was the first thing they did.  She said, "Oh, that is an easy one.  The first thing you do is wash it while the wrinkles are out."  We both giggled when she said that.  She was a true treasure in my life.  She taught me to laugh, to always be kind, and to be true to myself.  That is a legacy that has served me well.

I know this is not my normal story, but it was such a wonderful memory I hope it is enjoyed in the spirit of love and respect for a lady who was cherished lady in my life.

Tags: Grandmothers Sex Over 60 Humor

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I had begun to really enjoy my new project of going through boxes pack since 2009. I had packed them up and moved them to the lake house and never opened them. I had marked the box, Grandmother, so it remained untouched until this weekend. I decided the lock down would count for something.

I opened a small cigar box that was very old. It had been my treasure box when I was a kid. I was thrilled to find the rhinestones and ball tucked inside a velvet bag. This had been a special gift from my grandmother when I was little. The red velvet bag protected its precious contents with a draw string bow with a tiny key dangling off one end and a tiny pad lock dangling off the other end.

Once when grandmother had offered to baby sit the grand daughter of one of her friends, the gift, was the result a conscious decision I had made. The little girl was very shy and was apparently new to the family. I knew all about that kind of stuff, being adopted myself.

I assure the little girl that it would all be okay and she was in for a lot of love. I got out my most treasured toy. My jax were special, it was the first game my grandmother ever got down on the floor to play with me. We had two balls and several jax. I showed the little girl how to play. We proceeded to play. She finally came out of her shell and started having fun.

When it came time for her to go home her grandmother came to get her. She showed off for her grandmother to show her how good she was at playing the game. Her grandmother got down on the floor and played with her. I knew everything would be find now. She had a good grandmother just like me. They got ready to leave.

My grandmother came and asked me if I would give my jax to the little girl and her grandmother. I said yes. I felt good and bad. I wanted to give her the jax but I did not want to give her mine. I even suggested we give them the money to go buy their own. I loved my grandmother very much and wanted to make her happy. I said, okay. The little girl and her grandmother had left. I went to my room so no one would see me crying over giving up my jax.

About an hour later my grandmother presented me with this little velvet bag full of rhinestones and one of the balls used to play jax. I was thrilled. We instantly got on the floor and played jax... with rhinestones. Years later I found out grandmother had taken the rhinestones out of several pierces of costume jewelry to make up enough for a game. I remember now. I used to ask her why she wore jewelry with missing stones. She would say, “They are not missing, I know exactly where they are.”

I touched the bag against my cheek and could not stop the tears. It smelled just like my grandmother. She always wore “White Shoulders” perfume. My daddy always got her a new bottle every Christmas.

For the first time in many, many, years... I played jax with my grandmother all day last Sunday. It was a wonderful day. My project got short circuited by a very special memory, relived.

Tags: Home Memories Children

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It was the first week of October. Plans were already being made for the Halloween party at a near by senior citizen center. Hamlet had been invited as more of a guest than an entertainer. This meant a new costume.

He loved pumpkins too much to have him ware one.  He would eat it before the party got started.

Going as a Pig in a Blanket might not be a good idea... someone might say the "B" word or make him think he was anything other than a star.

We even thought about turning a little box with pumpkins and hay into a ride.  Hamlet did not like that.  He just want to either eat or play with the pumpkins and like walking on his own.

We had a small practice party and invited some of Hamlet's pig friends. It was great fun. Adjustments were made to Hamlet's costume after we watched him move around in it for a while.

My aunt was a wonderful seamstress. Several simple costumes were created but Hamlet decided on the last one, he was going to be a unicorn.

We arrived early, as usual. We were quickly ushered into a private room so Hamlet could dress. What we did not know was what was going on in the main dinning hall. The senior citizens were all decked out in costumes. Punch was setup on a long table at one end of the room. In the middle of the room a woman sat in the center of a horse shoe type half circle created with chairs. She was decked out with a wrap around her head and a long flowing gown. It also looked like the jolly green giant's cuff link was sitting on the table before her. The lights had been dimmed except the one on a side table next to the woman.

She began to chant and moan as she waved her hands over this big glass ball. The music was soft but eerie. She had asked for silence as she wait for direction from the spirit world.

I did not realize that Hamlet had gotten out. He quietly moved around the room without making a sound. Everyone was watching the woman. Hamlet came up behind and under the woman's chair and softly brushed past her leg. She suddenly gasp. "I feel a presence." Then Hamlet made his way around the horse shoe (under the chairs) and brushed each occupant on the back of the leg. The gasps traveled with him. The Psychic gazed into the glass ball and asked the spirit to answer yes or no. "Are you female?" She asked. (nothing happened) Hamlet was still wondering around under the chairs. I could not go get him without interrupting the proceedings. He was so quiet. The carpeted floor helped eliminate any clicking of his hooves. "Are you a male?" She asked. There was again silence but Hamlet had made his way back to the chair where the physic was sitting. He had discovered her purse sitting beside the chair. His snout touched the CD player running just inside. When the music stopped... everyone gasp.

"Please," she was trembling and her voice was shaking. "Please communicate with us." She picked up the glass ball just as Hamlet decided to lick the back of her leg. She screamed, as the ball went flying into the audience. Several people caught it and immediately tossed it to someone else... as if it were alive and being controlled by a hidden spirit. It was finally returned to the center table as everyone backed away from it.

Everyone had a short scream as the commotion built. Which of course scared poor Hamlet. He suddenly squealed and started running around the room looking for a place to hide. I then tried to catch him as the psychic gasp, "What is that?"

"You are the psychic," I said, "This is the spook you woke up. You have been talking to a pig dressed as a unicorn. Didn't you know?"

Everyone started laughing and Hamlet once again stole the show. The poor woman was so relieved to know she had not actually contacted a spirit. Hamlet got his share of belly rubs and all the pacemakers went back to normal.

We found out later that the slide show the lady had prepared never got shown.  It was full of ghosts she was going to project out of the crystal ball.  She never got around to it.  Like I said, Hamlet stole the show.

Tags: Humor Pets Animals Retirement

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I recently got off a phone call from the senior citizen group where I frequently volunteered until the lock down brought everything to a grinding halt. I got updates on the tenants and all that had been going on since our world got turned upside down.

I had asked the question about who was complaining today. “Jane, you know all retirees have something to complain about. Finding a retired person or senior citizen who does not complain is like finding hen's teeth. I ended my call but really thought about the last statement.

I remember a time when I had heard that statement for the first time. I think I had heard that something was as “rare as hen's teeth.” Now, being the brat who reasoned things out I started feeling sorry for chickens. They had no teeth. Finding one with teeth was rare. So, that meant some chickens had teeth. Where did they get them? I really had to work on this one. Where oh where did hen's teeth come from? This baffled me for quite some time until I lost my first tooth.

I was instructed to put the tooth under my pillow before I went to sleep. I had read the story about the princess and the pea so decided I would not be able to sleep with a tooth under my pillow. I setup one of my baby doll's beds, complete with pillow, and the buried tooth. Sure enough, the next morning, there was a quarter where the tooth had been. I remember looking at the quarter and thinking about the fairy everyone had been talking about. I guess in the land where hen's come from... they pay this fairy to bring them teeth. It all seemed logical to me. That is why some chickens had teeth even if it was rare.

Where did the hen's get the quarters? They sold their eggs... maybe. It is more likely they gathered the lose change the farmers dropped when they were doing their chores. I was always finding lose change my daddy had dropped. That made more sense to me. I took the logic even farther.

I could not imagine a land run by chickens. I had never heard of Chickenland. I knew when someone called you chicken it meant you were afraid. That made sense... I would be afraid too if I could not bite back. It was about that time space travel had become a big deal. I heard about Pluto. There was a guy on my cartoons that was named Pluto. Maybe all this weird stuff happened on Pluto. Maybe the tooth fairy was from Pluto and it was run by chickens. I don't know. I still don't know and that was 60 years ago.

Now, we can find more and more things to grip about or we could work on something important. Like saving our teeth for the tooth fairy. When my grandmother was in her 80's and there was the prospect of a new boy friend in the senior apartment complex; her first question was.. does he have his own teeth. I guess she did not want to share hers. I know now when someone asks me if I want something special to eat I tell them. “I don't eat anything if it is not worth me putting in my teeth.”

How we spend our time is important to us. Do you spend your day gripping, looking for things to grip about, or creating things to grip about. While gripping can become a habit so can looking for anything that will bring a smile to someone else. Even a toothless smile has value.

Retirement is about choices. You can be one of the rare ones (like hen's teeth) or join in anything that promotes feel good, a smile, laughter, or even something that brings peace of mind. Looking only for what is wrong is a habit that can be broken. We have all been there. I am not saying that everything is sugar and spice. We all know sugar and spice and everything nice is where little girls come from. My grandmother was an authority on the subject. Smiling was one of the things she did best.

Only looking for the bad is as fruitless as thinking about Chicken Land and the Tooth Fairy on Pluto.

Tags: Looking For Happiness

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I had my first debate when I was six with my first grade school teacher. How do I know it was a debate? I had learned that a debate is a discussion where both sides of an argument are heard by both people. An argument is when both people are either talking at the same time or one person is talking so loud they cannot hear the other person's point of view.

Nothing can be accomplished with an argument. I was a very stubborn child and so my grandmother and I had several debates within the first year after my adoption. I questioned a lot of things because I had never seen a lot of things. I was very inquisitive and would listen and logic things out in my mind. Most the time I my logic would not necessarily lead to the correct answer, therefore, debates were necessary.

I learned to love my first grade teacher but I think it took her a while to learn to love me. I was the Dennis the Menace of her class. I challenged her with any statement she made that did not make sense to me. Once she said she was not going to argue with me about something and I immediately set her straight about the difference between an argument and a debate. I think that was her first clue that she was in for an interesting year.

Reciting the alphabet was the first time I was actually put on a chair in the corner of the room... facing the corner. My grandmother and I had practiced and practiced it for hours. Then once she decided I had it all memorized she thought she would make it fun so she started making up things about the letters. Grandmother had asked me if I knew which letter could run down my leg? Simple, the “p” of course. We both laughed. However, a little knowledge can be very dangerous in the mind of a six year old. The next day at school my teacher wanted me to stand in front of the class and recite the alphabet. I was extremely shy at that age. I refused to do it. She then said I could do it from my chair. I still did not want to do it. She demanded I recite the alphabet. So, being such a good brat, I recited the alphabet, skipping the “p”. When the teacher questioned me about my alphabet missing a letter; I said I could not, because it had just run down my leg. She chuckled as she put me on the chair in the corner.

We came into the classroom one day and there on the long bulletin board was a huge map of the United States. Each state was drawn out and marked. The teacher want to find out how many native Texans she had in class.

Now, to any of the other kids it may seem like a simple question but to someone who was adopted in Oklahoma and then moved to Texas it was a different thing all together. Once my new mom had called me her first born. I questioned that because even though my sister and I had been adopted together, I knew she was not my birth mother. She said my birth certificate says she is my mother. She told me I was born in her heart. That had been my answer anytime any one ever asked where I came from. I was born in my mommy's heart.

When the question came up about where I was born in school; I decided I was a Texan. I told the teacher that I was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma but I was a Texan. The teacher said, we are going to have to 'debate' this one. The teacher asked me how I could be born in Oklahoma and call myself a native Texan. Simple. My mother is a native Texan, my daddy is a native Texan, my grandmother is a native Texan and I was born in their hearts. They just had to go to Oklahoma to pick me up.

I folded my arms across my chest and stuck my quivering chin out. I stared at the teacher to see what she would do. She saw a tear going down my cheek as I stared up at her. I was ready to fight her on this one.

She suddenly smiled and instantly stopped and gave me a very sweet hug. “You are absolutely right... You are a Texan.”

I let out the breath I had been holding and said, “That's good. I thought we were going to have to put you in the corner.” I heard her giggle.

Tags: Children Humor

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When the phone rings in my house, Precious is the first one to the phone, followed by Sweet Pea and hopefully followed by me. The dogs do not answer it but they do get excited because they know I am up and the race has started. Once I get there I pat everyone one on their respective heads, a tickle behind the ear will ensure they let me know the next time the phone is ringing.

I do not have very good mobility sometimes. Sometimes while I am watching a movie my feet go to sleep. I have to stomp a minute to wake them up before I can start walking. I no longer run for anything, especially the phone. I have an answering machine to catch the calls that cannot wait for me to get there. I also have learned the caller ID also says, ROBO caller now. I always glance at it before answering the phone. Due to our world wide “stay home” recommendations I have gotten more phone calls than usual. I used to get drop ins a lot though. Anyway, the phone race happens more frequently now.

I had not gotten to the phone before the machine picked up the call. It was the chief of police. He is a dear friend of mine and the one who gave me Precious. Most of my volunteer assignments come through him so I hurried just a bit more when I heard his voice. I put the phone on speaker so I could pat heads, scratch ears and talk on the phone at the same time. I forgot to mention this is one blonde that knows how to multi task.... Anyway, he had two complaints. One came from our neighborhood gossip. She was all upset because she saw me in the backyard without a face mask on and felt I should receive a reprimand. The second complaint was about my lawn, which once again needed to be cut. I told the chief I had purchased a new lawn mower with part of my stimulus check and I would also call my neighbor for him.

You have to be very careful when you call someone who is known for carrying tales and for gossiping. I apologized to her for not putting on a face mask to burn trash in my burn barrel. I did not realize that her house, which was well over a hundred yards from mine, was in any danger from my behavior. I then asked her how far six feet looked to her? I had to giggle a little inside. She said, “Six feet has nothing to do with it, when you are outside you are supposed to have a face mask covering your nose and mouth.” Then the conversation went a little crazy.

Then out of the blue, I asked her, “Did you used to be a hall monitor in school?”

“Jane, how did you know that? Are you one of those psychos who knows the future and the past? Do you talk to dead people? Oh, my, I had no idea. Please forgive me for saying anything, Jane. Can you tell me where my mother hid her money box? She died ten years ago and I am still looking for it. We have been on this lock down so I decided I would start looking again. Please talk to my mom and let me know.”

The excitement in her voice was nothing compared to the speed at which she talked. Her imagination, however, was the winner of any race. I never has seen how she developed her gossip so quickly. My mistake came when I made a joke out of it.

“If it were me, I would bury it under the right corner of the raised bed she put in ten years ago.” I laughed at myself for spouting off so. “You really, do work fast, Wow...” “Click” She hung up on me. I looked out the window and sure enough she was out there with a shovel digging up the corner of the raised bed. It would have been fine if she had not found the lock box with her mother's money in it. As I watched her jumping up and down and dancing in her front yard, I noticed one thing...........She was out side without her face mask.  The tattle tale in me took the bait.

I called the Chief and told him. I also told him about my conversation with her. He got a chuckle out of it. I did not have to wait long before I watched him pay her a visit. That is not the half of it. Now, my phone is ringing off the wall. Everyone wants to talk to the psycho....All this because I did not put on my mask. Never again.

Tags: Gossip Home Humor

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I was reading the paper this morning about a guy I knew when he was eight years old. He was Brenda Somebody's boy friend and I thought I could not live without him. He was adorable. Brenda and I had been good friends until then. Looking at the picture of this short, fat, bald man did not remind me of the boy who could twirl a basket ball on his finger. I remember running into him a few years ago when he was working on divorce number 4. He said I had a sweet wiggle in my walk. I knew then he had problems with his eyes. If he does not know when someone's hip implant is popping in and out he is in trouble. I wonder how many other things I can think of that I have learned to live without? Turns out there are quite a few.

I learned to live without a mink coat, that blue dress hanging in Neiman's window. I learned to live without a diamond too big to wear on a ring. I learned to live without coming in first at anything. I learned to live without giving up when things got tough. I learned to live without being unkind just because I could. I learned to live without everyone agreeing with me. For a period of time I learned to live without my eyesight and got it back. Ooh, what a wonderful lesson that blessing that was. I lost my hearing for a while and a similar lesson blessing. I learned to live without another person in the house.

If I have learned to live without so many things, what do I treasure most? Love. Love for my fellow man, animals (great and small), sunrises and sunsets, the smell of honeysuckle, roses, and lavender. I treasure the sweet taste of honey and homemade bread. I treasure how all has touched my heart.

We humans spend our entire lifetimes getting ready to be on our own, in our own home, etc. We go to school to get the education to build a career that will build our homes. When we get it all just right. When it is full of all the things we cannot live without... we leave it. When something happens to confine us to that environment we built for ourselves we sit and think about all the things outside that home... we cannot live without. Treasures of the heart cannot be lost or stolen. Those are the things one cannot live without.

Tags: LIfe Home

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Another storm came through last night. No Internet. I hear hail hitting the windows. I guess I get to check the damage in the morning. The dogs are all hiding with their heads (only their heads) under the bed. The roar of thunder, a flash of lighting. The lights flicker. I think I will go check on the guests I brought in from yesterday's rain. I had a whole jar of tadpoles I found in a puddle in the backyard. I knew the puddle would not last with the dogs stomping all around so I scooped up the tadpoles. I knew more rain was coming … here it is as a matter of fact. When the pool of water is bigger in the backyard I will put them back out there. I discovered something. I found a giggle in my pocket I had not thought about in years.

It is always good to pull out a giggle when you need one. The news and problems all over world kind of had me weighed down. Then I found a giggle. Just what I needed. Hope you need it too.

I was almost seven years old. As usual grandmother started out our nap time with a story from a book. This particular story was about a prince that a wicked witch had turned into a frog. The only way the spell could be broken was for him to win a kiss from the girl he loved. All such stories must end in a happy ever after ..so of course the girl kissed the frog and he turned into a prince. That got me to thinking. What would happen if you kissed the wrong frog? Would you have to marry a dentist that ate flies? Would you have to marry that frog? What if you kissed more than one frog? What if the frog turned out to be a frog after all?

These are all good questions. It all had to be tied up in a kiss. The solution or answer would be to gather as many frogs as you could find and kiss them all. Then you could just see what happens. You could not marry all of them and there might be a cowboy among them or even a real prince. A girl could only dream.

I had my jar and went out after a rain storm, just like the one last night, gather tadpoles from several puddles around the yard. I had them all in one jar. I found some dead flies that had been swatted (not by me). I put them in the jar. I watched as these tadpoles slowly got a little bigger. I kept my prize hidden as I assumed the grown ups would not understand the problem I would have in deciding which frog to marry. I was really hoping for a cowboy. I had kind of had my heart set on that. I would let the prince and any of the others go. I had decided I did not want to marry a prince. He would be so busy trying to become king. He would not have time to play with me. No, I had my heart set on a cowboy. Now, it stands to reason. If you want to marry a cowboy, you gotta kiss a bull frog.. Dah!

A little time passed but not before grandmother and I were spending a quiet afternoon out in the yard. I big bull frog came hopping by. My eyes got so big. I was so excited. I squealed, my sweetheart!! I tried to pick him up but he hopped right out of reach. Grandmother wanted me to leave the little frog alone. She said she wanted him eating the bugs that would bother her flowers. I sat back down and thought about it. I watched as the bull frog hopped away.

I acted as if I had forgotten about it. I watched the frog with quick glances. I heard him crock. Grandmother said he was call for a girl frog. I instantly jumped up and ran and picked up the frog. I kissed him right on the mouth. Yuk. It was slimy and wet. I petted his head and kissed him again. Grandmother asked, “What are you doing?”

“I am kissing this bull frog, so he can change into a man.” I was very positive about what I was saying. Grandmother tried to tell me... she actually said, “That is a fairy tale.” I put my hands on my hips and stuck my chin out. “I know that fairies do not have tails... they have wings.” Grandmother giggled. I let the frog go because I knew it took time for the change to occur. Grandmother tried to tell me the story she had read was just a made up story but I knew it had to be true. I had seen witches on Halloween. I knew they were real. I really had to think about giving out several of those wet slimy kisses though. I decided I would take my prize out with me and let them go. I would just marry what ever showed up. I just knew it was going to be a cowboy.

The next day after breakfast I ran out to the backyard and could not find a frog or anyone for that matter. As I was coming back to the back door my grandmother called me inside. It seemed another grandmother who lived down the street had her grand children for the day. I went into the living room and found the most adorable little cowboy you ever saw. He was a little shorter than me, with six guns and a cowboy hat. Just perfect. I grinned up at my grandmother and said, “Told ya.”

We played for a while. My new friend was doing fine until he found out he used to be a frog. We sent him home in tears. He should not have told me he liked flies.  I had to tell him why.  He said he would never kiss another girl.  Now, you must understand.  There only time I kiss this guy was when he was a frog.  I was glad I let the other tadpoles go.  The thought of another slimy, wet kiss did not appeal to me.  I decided then I would probably be an old maid afterall.  Grandmother said that was probably the first of many hearts I was going to break before it was over.  She did not realize it was my heart that was broken.

Tags: Children Memories Humor

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