On the news today I saw a story about a woman who celebrated her birthday by jumping out of a plane.  She was one hundred and two.  Then I remembered my grandmother's older sister, Lilly, celebrating her birthday when she was also one hundred and two.

Lilly, was a real hoot.  She wore a bussell because she did not have much of a bottom.  I used to get a kick out of watching her turn her back to a mirror, then hold another mirror up so she could see what she looked like from behind.  She would always swish her hips to make sure her bussell was held tight. She loved wearing feathers in her hat.  Always a hat in church.  Lilly, like my grandmother, enjoyed life, laughter and family.  She had outlived your husband and two of her children.  She had taken a fall during a shopping trip.  The fall had broken her hip.  She seemed to always be in good health so was not familiar with going to doctors and especially hospitals.

Her doctor, her surgeon, found out his patient was one hundred and two.  She was the oldest patient for which he had ever operated.  The hospital also found out that at that time she had been named the oldest living person in the county.  Because of this distinction her doctor sent her a huge bouquet of flowers along with a huge box of candy and of course a beautiful card.

Lilly, in her bed jacket that was peach colored with lace all over it sat in her hospital bed chatting with family when the gifts arrived.  She was so surprised.  Instantly, she grabbed a mirror and checked her lipstick and mascara. She demanded someone comb her hair and bring her ear rings.  She admired the flowers and offered everyone a piece of her candy.

She chatted about how long it had been since she had caught the eye of a man.  Everyone looked at her.  We realized she thought the doctor was courting her.  She insisted upon all her frilly things be brought to the hospital.  She had rouge on her cheeks and a spark in her eye that was a warning to everyone that mentally she was in never, neverland.

Now, her doctor had no idea all this had taken place before he came by to see her.  He came in all grins.  He took her by the hand and kissed the back of it.  He had no idea he was sealing her belief that he was smitten.  She started asking him about his wife and children.  She absolutely squealed when he said he was a widower and his children were grown.   The squeal scared him and he immediately checked her heart.  I had to giggle inside.  He had no idea what was going on in that sweet little pointed head of hers.  She chatted and chatted about him all after... long after he left.

She got on the phone and summoned my grandmother to the hospital.  When my mom and grandmother arrived, Lilly asked my mother to wait in the hall.  She had something private to discuss with her sister.  We  settled into chairs.  We were informed that she had decided to have an affair with her doctor.  She had decided not to marry but to have an affair.  My grandmother's mouth flew open. "Lilly, does your doctor know what you are planning?"

"He sure does.  He said we had a date later tonight.  He said it would change my world.  He kissed my hand.  He gave me flowers."  She curled a strand of hair around her finger and let it go loose.  She then smiled back at Grandmother and me as we sat there listening.  "He knows alright."

"Lilly, he is talking about your hip."

"I did not tell him about my hip.  I know he is younger than me, Hell, dirt is younger than me.  I think we should get to know one another.  I think that is what courtships are for. Do you?  He is a real gentleman.  He will do things properly.  He was so sweet when he kissed the back of my hand.  And so gentle when he spoke to me.  Did you see the flowers he sent me?  He is smitten all right.

Grandmother shook her head.  I shook my head.  We both decided that arguing with Lilly was a waste of time.  All we could do is be there when she came back with a hip and no date.

We spent the afternoon getting her ready for her "date".  When the nurses came in with a rolling bed, she said, "See, he sent a car for me."  They rolled her off with lipstick, rough, powder, mascara and false eye lashes all in place.  Pastel bed shawl and a flower in her hair.

Time passed.  She came back in without any makeup on, in a hospital gown, and a fixed hip.  She started waking up while we were trying to get her back into one of the bed jackets but only had half of it on her.  We were so afraid she would become too depressed.

We sat there almost breathless waiting for reality to hit her in the face.

Suddenly, her eyes popped open.  She looked at herself half in a bed jacket.  She started laughing.  Grandmother got up and stroked her forehead.  "You okay, Lilly?"

"Sure, Remember... I have had an affair with my doctor.  Look at me.  I say, he sure did not leave much.  But, guess what?  My hip stopped hurting."  She smiled and laid back in her pillow.  We were never able to convince her she did not have an affair with her doctor.  She even turned red in the face every time she saw him after that.  I am not sure we ever told the doctor what it was all about either.

She passed when she was one hundred and six.  She reminded herself frequently about the affair she had with her doctor.  Somehow her straight laced life needed to remember the first time she had ever been naughty.

My grandmother asked me to find out what drugs she was on because when her time came she wanted plenty on hand.

Tags: Aging Humor Memories

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I want all you grown ups, who are grandparents to read carefully and remember to whom you are speaking.  

Before we go any further all you grown ups need to tilt your head just a bit and let all that grown up stuff shake out of your head.  It will come out one of your ears... if you let it.  You have to shake your head a little to get it all.

Now, remember back when you were about six.  You were either in first grade or getting ready to go into first grade.  You have spent the summer preparing.  One story after another have been told to you.

You have learned the hard way about a lot of things.  For example:  Don't be surprised if you tell an animal loving kid, that it is raining cats and dogs; then expect them not to run out in the rain and check it out.  Or tell a kid you have to make it by the hair of your "chinny-chin-chin" and leave your razor out.  Don't be surprised when they take it apart and present the 'chin hair' you left behind.  Don't say anything about digging to China if you don't expect someone to try.  Don't yell that your are going to spank someone then are surprised they did not come right away.  When you send a kid out to pick out a switch do not expect them to come in with a tree branch.  If you are playing hide and seek don't be surprised when someone answers you when you ask, "Where are you?"  

This is grandparent's day here at the Senior Center.  The kids are visiting with their grandparents.  I have to laugh as I hear one kid demand to know, "What is wrong with the kitchen sink?  You never want to throw it in."

Then I think about all the things these kids will never get to experience.  The wonderfully satisfying feeling of slamming down the phone.  The fun of a record player.  I see one little boy shaking his head and looking at a cell phone.  I had to ask.  "Why are you shaking your head?"

"She wants me to dial a number.  How do I do that with buttons?"  I tried to explain that the old phones had dials instead of buttons.  His eyes are still big and his mouth open.  He just can't imagine why.

Confussion starts with some of the children's stories and old sayings that only those of retirement age can interrpret.  We need to explain that when we are discombobulated we are not ready to die.  When we are being persnickety it is not a lot of hullabaloo.  No matter what shenanigans your grandchild is into hugs and love will always win the day.

When I was teaching I had one little boy who suddenly started showing up every morning with a bruise on the end of his nose.  I was a little concerned and asked his mom, "What does the other guy look like?"  She laughed and said she had no idea how he got it or why.  If I could find out to let her know.  I then felt it was safe to just ask him.  His grandmother had read him a story about a little boy who's nose grew when he lied.  His grandmother had joked with him not to lie... not even in his sleep.  He was so afraid he would lie in his sleep he had started sleeping on his nose.  It was painful but to him it was better than waking up with a bigger nose.  If you read a children's story... tell them it is a story.  Let them in on the secret that they are not true and not real.

I met a man named Jack today.  He said, "Hello, my name is Jack."  All I did was start laughing.  I did not want to be rude to the man but could not help myself.  I remember when I was being introduced to a new little boy in the neighborhood.  I was six.  His name was Jack.  

Jack climbs bean stalks, runs up hills with somebody named Jill and falls down (he also breaks his crown which means he is not a real prince), Jack O Marble is always falling off the swing,  Jack jumps over candle sticks, Jack lives in a box.   Jack O'Lanterns scare us on Halloween.  Why would I want to play with someone who falls down, falls off, climbs too high, plays with fire and lives in a box?  Yet, Grandmother was surprised.  I didn't want him in the house.

A little boy named Jack moved in next door.  I refused to play with him.  Especially when I found out his middle name was Peter... Yikes... the pumpkin eater!

Make sure they know why they are getting a swat.  Don't be surprised if they think it is because they did not wipe the cake off their face rather than the fact they got in the cake.

Don't be surprised.  Kids are easy to understand.  Just tilt your head and shake it a bit.  When I told Jack what I have now told you, he told me he was always getting blamed for everything.  We both laughed.  He also said he would have made a fortune if he had been a bean salesman.  Instead, he was a bean counter... again...we laughed.

Love is the bridge between generations.  A strong bridge.

Tags: Children Memories

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My new parents had introduced me to Jesus, God, and church.  I loved the bible stories.  I took it all very seriously.  I also, as you have gathered by now, took everything I heard literally.

I was asked to go to church with one of the kids in kindergarten.  It was a christian church but different from ours.  I was six.

I came home from the service and informed my family our preacher did not know anything.  The real God's name was Howard, and his son had 3 holy goats.   It does not have anything to do with Jesus.  It is all about the goats.  They really get excited about the goats. My grandmother laughed so hard her tummy quivered and tears were coming down her face.  My mother and father did not laugh outloud but I saw that they were restraining themselves.  My father chuckled a bit as he listened to my interpretation of what I had learned.

I almost repeated the sermon word for word including the, "Our Father, Howard be thy name...."  And they end by praying in the name of the father, the son and the holy goats.  We only pray in the name of Jesus.  I think the more you got working on a problem the better off you are.  Can we get some holy goats?  I will have to ask Howard for at least one.  

This is a true story.  I also remembered to tell our preacher what I told my parents and repeat what I thought I had heard.  For a period of time I prayed to Howard.  My sister still called him Dod.  I also prayed for goats.  It was all about the goats... I was sure of that.

Tags: Memories

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Tags: Other

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I could hardly wait until my sister woke up from her nap. I had learned so much today. October thirty first. Who knew it was the month of the spooks. I had never heard of spooks until this morning. I heard it on a cartoon, just before nap time. They are apparently something to be feared. I knew we were in trouble when I had asked our new grandmother if she had ever heard of a "spook". Her answer sent shivers down my spine. My heart was beating so fast. She said, she was the Queen of the 'spooks'. I am five almost six and I had never heard of such a thing. Yet, here I am living with the Queen of them all... what ever 'they' were. I had to warn my baby sister to be on guard and stay close to me. I had protected her all the time we were at the orphanage and I will protect her against 'spooks'. I had questions in my head. One, what are they? Two, why are they dangerous? Wish I could count higher.  "Why do they only come out in October?" There also had to an answer to one real curiosity. "What is Halloween?" The cartoon characters were really excited about it. It had something to do with 'spooks'.

My new grandmother had no idea the fertile ground where she had planted the seed, "I am Queen of the spooks." Please understand the blanket of fear my imagination had wrapped around my mind. I whispered to myself I must be brave.

Then suddenly my sister woke up and giggled because I was hiding under the bed but she could see me in the mirror hanging on the back of the closet door. "Oh my," I instantly shushed her and motioned for her to join me. I had forgotten how loud she giggled. I told her what ever happened she could not laugh. Her eyes got big and she nodded that she understood as I removed my hand from her mouth. I then whispered to her that our grandmother was the Queen of the spooks. "What spoo?" She said in a voice that to me was loud enough to expose our position. I shushed her again.  I proceed to the closet and pulled down two shirts and two pairs of pants. I used our bed pillows. I dressed the pillows and tied them all up with some ribbon. I stuck dolls in the top all the way up to the neck. Only the heads stuck out of the top. I arranged my two foolers (as I had named them) so that they looked like they were taking naps. Then I took my sister by the hand and proceeded to fix up a nice hiding place just behind the bedroom door.

My grandmother had been so loving up till now. I had no idea what to expect. She always read a story to us after we got up from our naps. She came into the room. She bent down to kiss us awake like she always did. Suddenly, she giggled. She glanced around and I was sure did not see a thing. I had no idea our feet were sticking out.  She walked over, sat down in her big barrel chair, and opened a book and started to read. I was thrilled that the 'foolers' had worked. She started reading a story about a rabbit and a turtle who were running a race. It was a good story. She did seem to giggle a lot as she read. I had to be very careful not to laugh. Grandmother then told the 'foolers' they needed to get up so we could get ready for Halloween. My eyes got so big. My sister's did too. Then she said the words that would put total fear into my heart.

"You little ones will be angels." Oh, I knew angels were what happens when people die. She was going to kill us. I thought to myself, Oh my, how would we escape? I did not really mind being an angel but really thought it would come a little later in my life. Then I just had a flash of my climbing a tree as an angel. What does an angel do with their halo when they want to climb a tree. Maybe they use their wings and don't get to climb at all. How sad. Do angels spend all their time in church? Do angels have pets? These were questions that would need to be answered... just in case we did not make our escape.

"I have your costumes all finished and I need to get your halos right. So, you two better get up or I'll use magic on you. Now, I am going to go get the candy ready." She left the room. All of a sudden my sister broke away from me and ran after her. I was not prepared for grandmother to use the idea of having candy to capture us.  My sister loved candy.   I was too smart. I would not be caught. I instead made my way to the living room and hid behind the sofa. I had no idea that every time I moved, I made the drapes move. Grandmother seemed perfectly happy dressing up as Queen of the spooks. I listened as the door bell rang. It seemed like several children had come to the door. Grandmother made a big deal out of what wonderful spooks they were and gave out candy. She even thanked them for coming. I heard my sister giggling. I could not see but I listened with my heart pounding.

"Baby, I wish your sister would get up. I guess she is going to sleep the night away. You and I are going to go trick or treating. You are such a good angel." Those words made me cry. She had already turned my sister into an angel. "I am going to have to take care of that sister of yours before we go. She then went into the bedroom and yelled, Abra Ka Dabra, then I heard her giggle. She left through the second entrance into the room. When I heard her in the kitchen, I took the opportunity to sneak back into the bedroom. I stood there completely speechless. There, on the beds, where I left the two foolers. On one bed a turtle. On the other bed a bunny rabbit. Oh, she had taken them out of the story she had read. Then I saw hanging behind the closet door a beautiful white gown with wings.

Grandmother entered the room, I jumped out of my skin. It was my grandmother's voice but not her face. She had red lips and blood coming out of the corner of her mouth. She had teeth that stuck out from under her lip and blood dripping from them. I started screaming as loud as I could. "I don't want to be an angel yet. Not yet."

Grandmother instantly grabbed me and held me very close. I think she suddenly realized I had taken her seriously. She remembered calling herself the Queen of the spooks. She started kissing my face. She had tears coming down her cheeks. "We are only pretending sweety." She gently brushed the hair out of my eyes, "Why don't you want to be an angel?"

I had to look away from her. I could not look at that horrible face. Her tummy was quivering and shaking. "It is not funny." I shouted. You are going to eat me. "Where is the baby?" I shouted. "I don't want to die." I started trying to wiggle lose. I started crying when my baby sister walked into the room dressed in a white gown with wings just like the one on the back of the closet door. She had a funny wire that stretched out from behind her neck and held a shinny golden ring. "You killed my baby." I ran to my sister and was surprised to see she was real. I suddenly became aware of my grandmother's costume. She was dressed all in black with a tall pointed hat and the picture of a black cat arching its back on her apron.

"This is Halloween my love. You don't have to die to be an angel on Halloween. This is pretend. None of this is real." I started pointing to the turtle and the rabbit and started huffing and puffing. "We are taking care of them until Timmy, from down the street, and his grandmother get back from Trick or Treating." I read the story about the tortoise and the hare because I knew they were coming over tonight." I thought for a minute and thought I had remembered hearing Timmy's voice while I was behind the sofa.

"What about the halo. Can angels climb trees with a halo?"

"Yes, they sure can. I have a sneaky hunch you will be swinging on your halo no matter what."

I immediately put on the angel costume and went trick or treating with my grandmother. I told everyone we met that I was going to swing on my halo later. My grandmother laughed and clapped her hands. By the time we got back, went through all the candy, and got into our pajamas... I had forgotten about swinging on a halo. The next morning the turtle, the rabbit, and the halo were all gone. It was November 1st... My first turkey day had its own surprises.

Every Halloween now, I think about the time I was an angel dreaming about swinging on my halo.

Tags: Memories

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I can't talk, what is in my mouth. I have a gag in my mouth. My hip hurts. Where am I, what is going on here? I can't see much. My hands are tied behind me. I can't think of anyone who wanted me to shut up that much. How did they get me under here? Who ever they are. I don't really hear anything.

Oscar is jumping up and down, waving his arms and chatting up a storm. He is doing it too fast I can't interpret squirrel that fast. I can see a little bit of the yard. It looks like I am just under the house. This is crazy. What have I missed? Oscar is scampering away. I have to get this gag off. I have not gone this long without making a sound since... well I can't think of a single time so let's just say... I have never been this quiet.

I can see the bedspread coming out of the wheel barrel and laying all over the ground. That answers the question of how. But Why? Thank goodness the ground is not that hard. The rain we had the other made it softer but it has been log enough not to be muddy. Boy, my hands hurt. I can feel the tightness around my wrists. My feet are tied but not as tight. Maybe I can get my feet lose. I suddenly had a flash back then decided to stop and listen. Then I wonder why I am mentally whispering to myself. I gotta test myself. It is Friday, Trump is the President, my birthday... let's don't discuss that one. The squirrel's name is Oscar.... I am okay. Now back to listening to the world around me.

Great, I wonder if who ever got me under here knows about the snakes we found under here, in this exact spot just a few weeks ago. I think if I rub my face against the ground I can work this gag lose and yell for help. Gad, I am really getting dirty. Ouch, my head hurts. Boy I, hurt, I have a head throbbing on one side. Such a headache. My heart is going ninety to nothing. I gotta calm myself down. I gotta stop breathing so hard. I feel the dirt grinding into my skin. Thank goodness I wore jeans. The stretch pants I had on yesterday would not have offered me much protection. What is going on? I am so frustrated. The rope on my wrists are so tight. I am an old lady, minding my own business, well almost. I hear scratching.

I can't believe what I am watching. I thought the wildlife people gathered them all up. I don't even have shoes on if it wants to bite me. What is that? I gotta wiggle around and see what it is. OMG... a true bandit. That has to be the biggest raccoon I have ever seen. I see stuff all over the place. He has something shinny in his mouth. It looks like a ring. I gotta blink to clear my eyes. Oh, my hips hurt. If I dig in the dirt with my right foot maybe I can wiggle around and see better. It worked, Yeah.

Would you look at that... No one will believe me. Here comes another one. He too has something in his mouth. It is a watch... looks like a man's watch. I gotta raise my head a bit. I see those silly little balls of foil I used to play fetch with Oscar. I lay here watching and thinking what if no one finds me? Without food and water, I could lay out here and die. I gotta try harder. If I could just get something lose. I may have to use my legs to pull myself around and them use them to pull myself out into the open. Maybe someone will see me. I take a deep breath before I start trying to push myself out the opening. Oh, that hurts. Shooting pain right up my leg, I can feel the dirt caking on my feet.

Oh. I hear something. I hear voices. I hear the chief of police. What? He is talking to someone about where I am. I hear another voice. “You gotta be kidding me.” I hear heavy foot steps.

"Oscar, where is she?”

"You are not fool-in' me, you ain't talking to no squirrel. I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday.”

"Why don't you just shut up kid, you are in enough trouble. You best keep your mouth shut. The chief better find Jane in good condition are you will really wish you”

"Shut up old man. You don't scare me. You ain't gonna hurt me. I know what is happening all over now. I am from California. I know you don't dare hurt me. Besides I was not going to take anything over fifteen hundred. That means you won't charge me and you will have to let me go. You are just an old man. You and I are the same. Your old and I am young. Other than that we put out pants on the same way every day.”

"Kid, do you know you are in Texas?  We don't like any criminals no matter what the value of it.  I can throw you in jail and take my time finding a judge to have a bail hearing... Besides the closest bondsman is shut down right now. He will not be open for at least another three hours. You got that wrong sonny, I put my pants on by hanging onto a chair. Now, shut up. You may be younger but my patience is thinner.”

I see him, I see him. I can't stop the tears. He pulls the gag lose. “Oh, Oscar... Chief am I glad to see you. How did you know I was in trouble?”

"Watch you head, Jane. Can you push with your legs, this opening is not tall enough for me to get a hold of you.”

I am wiggling and twitching. Oscar, Oscar, stop. He is kissing all over my face. What a good little squirrel he is.

"I came over to give you a wake up call. I needed to tell you about a group of thieves that has hit the neighborhood lately. I know you are home most of the time. I was going to give you some binoculars to watch the houses for me. Your house is located so you can see all the other houses. Besides that, the front door was locked. I have never known you to lock your front door. I started looking around. I called for you and I encountered this kid going through your kitchen cabinets. Can you tell me what happened here? I could see him through the window but it took me a minute to remember where you hid that key in case the house ever got locked up. I think we got the ring leader in your living room. How are you, do you need me to take you to the hospital?”

"I'm feeling great.” Oscar on my shoulder, I am once again free. Boy, my hip is soar. I can't really decide how I feel right now. Anger at the guy who put me here but pure delight to discover I have a protector in Oscar and the chief. “By the way, chief, I know all about your gang of thieves. If you will get the wildlife people out here one more time. There is a raccoon family under my house. They have a pretty good stash piled up under there.”

Oh, it is wonderful to hear the chief laugh. He is laughing so hard. Now we both are laughing. I come through the door. “Hello, officer. What have you got there?”

"This young man was going through your kitchen cabinets. Now I understand why he was taking his time. He had you stashed."

I did not mean to talk so loud but could not help myself. I looked at this huge kid and asked, "Why put me under the house?" I know I was huffing and puffing and my face was red. I was so upset. I had my hands on my hips and was staring at him. The chief and the other officer were also waiting for an answer.

"I been watch-in' this house for a spell. No one hardly ever comes around. But there are windows in every room. Too easy for anyone to see what is go-in' on. It was dark when I started this thing. You were snoozing... earning your social security, when I realized the front door was open. I figured if I put you under the house I could get away clean. You never saw me and would not know what to tell the cops." He lowered his head and stood up. He must be about six foot six. I judged him to be about the same height as Ray, my third husband.

"How were you planing on getting away?"

"I was going to find your keys and take your van."

I started laughing.  So did the chief.  "That van has had a dead battery for almost 3 months now.  Does your mother know what you were doing? I know we are all having problems right now but this is no way to solve them. You saw the condition of the yard. Why not offer to mow it. I would have paid you for that. Why not ask for work instead of taking, excuse me, instead of stealing? You know, if you had come to the door and told me you needed help, I would have found someway to help you."

He rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, like I believe that."

"Chief, when you get back to the station find out what his mother's phone number is and call her. Let her know what her son has been doing." I saw the kid shaking his head with a pleading look. I then looked him straight in the eye. "I look like a sweet old lady, but I am not." I backed up and patted the chief on the back. You do what I said. Give his mother my phone number. If it is a family thing... maybe I can help." I nodded to the other officer who was pulling his arm towards the front door.

The kid starts to mumble. “I would have had her cleaned out within an hour. I got hungry. Those two stupid dogs of yours ain't much for protection lady. You were sleep-in with the TV going full blast. One pop on the head and you were out like a light. It took me longer to get you under the house than anything else. Hell, I didn't even have time to get your TV out. Boy, this is a bust.”

"Chief, the young man is right, this is a bust.” I am grinning, the officer is grinning, and the chief is leading the young man out to the squad car. You really don't know how bad it could have been kid. I could have died under there and you could be going in for murder. You could be getting hung for all the theft in the neighborhood. You have no idea how lucky you are today. I work with a lot of kids, of all colors and nationalities. Choices, it is about the choices you make, not the color of your skin, your background, or even your circumstance.  In all situations there is right and wrong.  You need to ask yourself what is the right thing to do?  Then do it."

I took a deep breath as I stood on the front porch. The chief had helped him duck his head to put him in the back of the squad car. Just before I turn back to go into the house I called out to the chief, “Thanks for the wake up call.”

Tags: Adventure Pets Humor

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• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning."
• My mother taught me RELIGION.  "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!
• My mother taught me LOGIC.  "Because I said so, that's why."
• My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  Make sure you wear clean underware, in case you're in an accident."
• My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
• My mother taught me about science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST.  "Will you look at the that dirt on the back of your neck!"
• My mother taught me about STAMINA.  "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
• My mother taught me FAMOUS QUOTES.  "You know the rule when we go shopping.  Together we stand, divided we get whooped."
• My mother taught me the importance of REPETITION.  "How many times do I have to tell you that just because everyone else is doing it; you do not have to.

Tags: Mother Humor

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I was in the store the other day. We all looked like a bunch of bandits waiting to check out. I noticed a woman in another line was purchasing a small gun. I looked at this white haired woman and wondered if the news of the day had caused her to make such a purchase.

Then she started to check out. The cashier's cell phone rang, he did not look up but started playing with his cell phone. Without looking up he said, "Strip down." Now, the poor woman shrugged her shoulders and removed her hat.  Ooh, I understood the hat now...bad hair day for sure.  Then she took off her jacket, then she started to raise her blouse. I stepped over to her and said, "I know it is hot and a lot of us want to take the layers off but," I put the hat back on her head, "Keep your hat on dear."   I pointed to the cashier and said, "These kids can be so rude sometimes." Imagine not even looking up to tell you to put the strip side of your debit card down." I took the debit card out of her hand and pointed to the strip on the back of the card, then turned it facing down.

She suddenly breathed a sigh of relief, patted her chest, fluttered her eyelashes. Then said, "I thought that was a lot of rigmarole over getting something to shoot snakes with."

I questioned, "Snakes?"

She answered, "Yes, my neighbor just told me they had a snake round up a week before I moved into my new house. I thought I would be prepared."

I gave her a hug and introduced myself. I told her she did not have to do that. By that time the cashier had looked back up. I said to the nincompoop, "She has decided not to make the purchase. So sorry." With that he put down his cell phone and proceeded to do the no sale. I was glad she had not put her card in or we would have had to deal with that. I told her all about our little snake scare. I also gave her the phone number of the people to call along with mine in case she ever spotted a snake. She gave me a hug and thanked me for stopping her before she stripped any further.

She admitted she had never purchased a gun and thought it was part of the deal now. I mean they could take note of any scares or tattoos or something. You, know, someway to identify the person who bought the gun. I told her when we started to depart that we retirees needed to watch out for each other. She said she had to skedaddle to meet her son. She had asked him to come over. She had not told him she was buying a gun, but he was a hunter like his father, and she felt he could show her how to use it. Made sense to me. She then said he was going to go berserk when she tells him about what she almost did. I said, "Tell me where you live. I will be there to meet your son. You can tell him you invited him over to meet your new neighbor. I would not, however, tell him about what you almost did." She looked at me and grinned... "Jane, you are right. Never give them the bullets to shoot you down."

I said to myself, 'I knew I was going to like her.' I got to meet Bubba. Only his mother called him Jerry. Her name was Lilly Lewis. His birth name was Jerry Lee.  Bubba had three sons; Beaver, named after a rodent; Rider, named after a truck; and Gray, named after a crayon. After the introductions Lilly said, "In my day we at least named our kids after people." I thought to myself 'What would expect someone named Jerry Lee Lewis, to name their children?' It was just a private giggle. Heck I was named after my mother... what did I know? Maybe Lilly knew Jerry Lee Lewis...

Everyone calls him Bubba, except his mamma. He started telling me tales about growing up that were funny but quite embarrassing for Lilly. He kept repeating the phrase, "If mamma ain't happy.. ain't no one happy."

Every time he said it Lilly would blush and lower her head a bit. I finally decided I would turn the conversation onto something he just might know a little about. "Does your mamma have enough duct tape?"

I thought his heart had stopped.  His eyes were almost spinning, his mouth was open, he had stopped talking.  The look on his face was one of total awe. He jumped up and ran to the 'fix it drawer'. She had a hammer, screw driver, nails, screws but no duct tape. He instantly told her he would be right back. He left to get duct tape.

Lilly, came over and gave me a big hug. "I have never known how to get him to stop telling tales of my mistakes. He loves telling them. If I had told him about today he would never let me live it down. He started telling you and you stopped him and showed me how. Duct tape." She almost started to laugh. She motioned for me to follow her. I did. We went into her bedroom. She pulled open the drawer of the nightstand. There were 3 rolls of duct tape. She put her finger to her lips, "Not a word. I will send him for duct tape when I really just want him to... SHUT UP." Then she made me laugh out loud. "You know, I have used duct tape to fix just about everything but I never thought I would use it to stop my son's motor mouth."

Then she showed me a little notebook she had that listed all the things to use duct tape for. "I am a red neck at heart," she said. "My husband was a red neck, duct tape is part of the package. Bubba," she said with a wink, (when ever he was around she called him Jerry), "will always instantly run out for duct tape for me. All I gotta tell him is you ran out." I gave her a hug and a hand shake so she would know she could use me as an excuse anytime. After all we retirees have to look out or each other.

About two days later, Bubba showed up at my front door.  He had brought me a roll of duct tape.  I glanced at his truck full of groceries.  He said he had picked up his mamma's grocery list for her.  He was surprised when I asked to see the list.  He pulled it out of his pocket.  I knew I was right.  She had numbered the items on the list.  You know 1. Butter, 2.  Eggs, that was fine till we got to 15. Paper Towel.  I had seen several sacks full of those 8-pack rolls of paper towels.  I asked if he minded if I also took a couple of those 8-packs of paper towel?  I promised to settle up with her later with the money.  It was just I did not feel like going to the store for just that.  He decided it would be okay.  I just knew in my mind she was going to be surprised when she got to the last item on that list.  Number 25 was an 18-roll pack of toilet paper.  I could tell by the truck bed full of paper towel and toilet paper he had been a very good boy.  Just before he left he said, "I had to go so several stores to get all she wanted.  You know, "If Mamma ain't happy, ain't no one happy."  He gave me a wink and left.  I closed the door and thought to myself.  I think Lilly and her son just complicated my life a little.  Lilly was a retiree like me.  We were going to have to look after each other.  I gotta teach her how to make out a grocery list.  Something tells me she never gave him one before today.  I was right.  After talking to her on the phone later that evening I discovered she had been sitting making out her grocery list when he came by.  She was trying to concentrate on what she was putting down when she mentioned that I was out of duct tape and she had to give me the end of her roll.  "He snatched my list out of my hand," she said.  I had to laugh.  It all made sense.  She told me to check with her if I ever needed toilet paper... or more paper towel.  We both laughed.  Then she asked what do you do with 10 five pound sacks of sugar?  I told her I would be right over, "We gotta watch out for each other.  I got the recipes.  We'll make up thank you sacks.  You make cookies and bag them.  Freeze them, I have a large freezer if you need it.  Then when ever you need to thank someone for something  you have a gift to go with the thank you card.  It also helps when you are coming up on the holidays.  Our mailman, chief of police, fire department, trash men.  We got lots of thank you bags to give out.

Lilly, gave me a hug when I got there.  I even had the cookie cutters to do the task.  She said, "I think all retirees need a retiree buddy.  Someone to watch out for ya'."  I could not agree more. 

Tags: Aging Humor Home

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Rainbow Bridge is a wonderful story.  Find it, read it.  If you have ever experienced the loss of a pet you need to read it.  Read it today.  My grandmother used to tell me that rainbows were the bridges that guardian angles used to cross to earth.  Rainbow Bridge tells all about it.  Today is the day to remember Rainbow Bridge.  I know when I go I have several very sweet angels waiting for me on Rainbow Bridge.  I will get to play with Hamlet again, with Ashley in my lap, and many more I have never told you about.  I will be well loved..  Today is the day to celebrate the love of a pet that has past.  God bless.

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