Adoption
In writing about TAMeixsell, I was reminded of how special it can be being adopted. As I was pouring out my heart on paper, I really started realizing how much God was in every part of my life. I can wonder “why” all I want and of course it cannot ever change the past. It was the beginning of God’s plan for our lives. God knew about it all, past present and future. I can freely talk about myself and my feelings etc. My brother, I can say that he didn’t suffer with identity like I did. But never the less he did have some anxiety because of confusing messages we received when growing up. Nothing is wasted and even when there was lots of bad, that I feel strongly that it was used, to mold and shape us to what God wanted us to be. I have never thought I amounted to much in my life and struggle with things like what “are” my hobbies, what do I like to do? It was always hard to do anything that would cause attention to myself. In fact, it is hard to talk about myself. It was hard to make decisions. It had been hard to even know what I like or how I like it. There is so much I could write about, it isn’t necessary to bring out all my skeletons, and there are plenty. We all have them. But the point is, for me, even though I think my life was stinky, I am however an adult now and choose not to remain in my past. As I had been adopted and raised by a new family, so it is like that when you realize that you need something more in life. When you get to the part that you have need of a savior because we all are sinners then you realize that when you confess, God does forgive you, it is finished. He sent his son for us and puts us in another category as being adopted into his family, forever. So just as I have been adopted once I am adopted again. This time forever.
I can give countless of examples how I know God has been involved in my life but you know God doesn’t need my help in that. We all have eyes, we can see (excluding the actual blind person). Look around. Who could have created the earth we live on and all that is in it? The plants, vegetation and trees. Who could have thought of how to make a season, causing the sun to shine, the different results that occur in the seasons; wind, heat, rain, snow, dew, fog. Wow so much more. The animals, insects, birds, and even us humans. How can we look at a baby and not see God. They can say they can clone all they want but only God is the only perfect creator. The only one who “knows it all---yesterday, today and forever”. And yes he knows the future and knows the outcome of everything that occurs, good or bad.
God is on the throne. All to his Glory…
End of TAMeixsell or is it?
I have written quite a bit of my feelings on a subject that most people never experience. Adoption.
For me it has been a sad turned happy experience. Some times I wish I could have been there in the past, but God knows why I wasn’t. I can except that. The writings of Tameixsell I think has come to a close. And in closing is it the end of Tameixsell? No not really, but the healings have begun and won’t stop until completed. For me though I am content in the fact that I know I am in my right mind about me now. Does it mean I stop and do nothing with myself. No, I still will continue to seek the Lord on myself as daily as I can. Striving to do better and move on in the direction of what I pray is the will of the Lord for my life.
God has blessed me with husband that with seemingly all kinds of things that normally ends marriages. It was never allowed for us to part ways. Some in our family thought we would never stay together. There were times it even seemed like the devil himself was trying to destroy us, and drive us apart. But you know what? God again knows the outcome of us. I have countless examples of how we against all odds were spared from an end to our marraige. I am thankful, for it is not so for many and I feel bad for them. I believe God designed marriage to a beautiful union between a husband and wife. I do realize that there are circumstances that break that marriage covenant between 2 people. When I left my family and married it meant us together for a life time. I didn’t always understand how to be a wife but thanking God for being my teacher (when I would let him). I had parents too that were if anything I was taught from them-they were committed to each other at all costs. Nothing came between them and their union. Not sure why I would write about this but I just mostly was expressing myself and what I feel about me and my marriage all these 31 years together. Everyday God has given me a gift of another day with James. I want him to be with me forever and I am believing that for him. He will, someday I pray, know the Lord’s peace that comes with being forgiven, and knowing that Heaven awaits and is there for the Christian. I think I will end here. God’s Blessing on everyone.
*hugs* Teresa
P.S. ~~ No, not the end of "TAMeixsell", just the continuation of the forever adoption. What started as “us” being orphaned, having been grafted in a new family by adoption on earth. Which now continues for us because of accepting Jesus’ ultimate love for us, we are spiritually grafted and adopted again this time forever. The both of us.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:17
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
9/28/2008
TAMeixsell
Where do I start? I have different people wondering how do you say that, what is a tameixsell? I remember seeing the name before and wondering “how do I pronounce that”, not realizing that I would be some how attached to it later in life. I was 17 when I first saw the name Meixsell. It was in our local news paper.
Backing up…
October 1957 I was born, April 1959 my brother was born. We lived in Eastern Washington. Our Father was unemployed and our mother was too, to have me and my brother. She had worked at the phone company. So the pressure was on… They didn’t have welfare or unemployment to fall back on. With him not working and having a wife and now 2 children, he had to find something. For an unknown reason he wasn’t able to find work for very long, sure he did odd jobs but not enough to live on. We were living with our grandmother all of us and it was too much for her. One can only imagine what had transpired during that time to alter our future and to end our mother’s life. What a sad state our father was in. I don’t know exactly what my young ears had heard, I just know I suffered for years with being terrified of the dark. My brother was too little. Our father ended our mother’s life. He did turn himself in the next day. Know one knew before time that he was not able to stand trial. He was declared mentally insane. What happened next is we were removed, taken away, and placed a holding home. By the December of 1959 we were placed in a new home, new town and away from all we knew and loved. Nothing was familiar, everything was changed…forever.
1960
New life…I remember the long ride to our new home, I was placed on the floor on a pillow behind the drivers seat, I had a little brown worn out teddy bear and my “jane “ doll. The car ride took so long, I was petrified. My brother was held by our mom in the front seat he was too little. Our first stop was to our grandparent’s home. They welcomed us and I had to be pried off of grandpa’s lap. We went to our new home and was put to bed, I was on one side of the room and my brother was in the crib across from me. I didn’t sleep much, I remember and again fear took over. I was told I dreamed a lot and moaned in my sleep, when I slept. You see I was talking at this time in my life and 2, but a 2 year old doesn’t know how to talk to be understood when they have anxieties. They kept calling me a different name, wasn’t my name. We didn’t know they took us to court to have our names changed. Again this didn’t affect my brother, he was too little. By my age 3 we were moved into a new house with bedrooms for each of us. I was asked which one I wanted, it was empty when I first saw it, with a black phone on the floor by the front door. A blue bedroom and a yellow one, I chose blue…The yard was big and had a rickrack fence which was removed later and a regular wood fence was put up for our safety of course. I suppose some things were forgotten, because of my age with time I did forget my family that we had, but never the memory of not knowing what happened, and what did I do? Where did every one go?
For the most part time went on and most of it is a blur. Having my brother was some comfort to me I imagine, we were close until the teenage years. Then we drifted. Something happened. Things were different. All I knew was I was a very unhappy person. I was never an aggressive child always doing naughty things, but yet something was missing. It had been missing for a long time. Our “new” parents were not quite ready for the next few years, somewhere in time we think they must have known too much. We think that because the mixed messages we received in our home leads me to believe that it was possible that they knew more because of our mom having worked in an adoption agency her self. Our records had been sealed… forever but mom she knew things about us that I don’t think she could handle really. She struggled with me mostly, not my brother( she loved little boys ), all that time I didn’t know it was because of what she knew about our father. Later in years when she had died, when going through her things I found “our past,” but not knowing what to do with it, I decided to keep it. Didn’t know it would come in handy at a later date.
Years passed by and my sis-in-law, my brother’s wife, started asking questions, she wanted to know more so she decided to do a search on her own. She ended up contacting the Childrens Home Society, one thing led to another, which led to a phone call to me by my brother to return another phone call I would receive 2/14/2005. It was the Home telling me they had non identifying information about our past. They gave our first and middle names of our birth names and fathers first and middle name. They wouldn’t give our mother’s name (Dorcas) because by doing that it would be made known what her identity was. I was excited to receive any information, and did. It was mailed to me and a picture was sent of our birth mom.
A few days later, I was visiting with a friend that her son that recently found his birth family. She told me to contact this woman, who I believe now was used by God to asisst in revealing the details of what was known about our past. She loves to reunite families and doesn’t believing in charging fees.
We met and exchanged what information I had and left her to do her stuff. It didn’t take long and by March she had possible family contacts. I sent out 5 letters to who had been possible family members, explaining who I was and why the letter written. A few days latter I had a message on my answer machine saying “yes we are related and to please call.” I did. There started the unfolding reality of the mysteries of our past. By May of 2005 I was on a plane to Ephrata, memorial day to meet my family, on my mom’s side of the family. We visited her grave site, (which was found by another person, God brought into our lives.) This woman we stayed with (she opened her home to us) was a classmate of our mother in her graduating class. I met her best friend in High School and coworker when they had their first job together. Their class reunion had blessed us so much by presenting us with money to put a head stone where our mother was buried (they had a hard time finding where). Even though it is many years later, her grave now doesn’t sit where no one knows…
Our mother, she was the youngest which means all of our family except the second and third cousins were all older than us. How ever, I find it awesome that the one person that can tell me the most about our mom is still living. Our Aunt Pearl (she just celebrated her 100th bday, born 1908) and her daughter has kept all these years pictures and the little documents they found while cleaning out my grandmother’s home, and uncles’ home, (our mom had two brothers…) What was left to us was willed to us by our grandmother. (Just recently found her will.) We found out we have a huge family. Our Grandfather had married our grandmother after his first wife’s death. Our aunt pearl is still our aunt by marriage. Our mom was her youngest sister.
By June I was on the next plane to California, to meet with more our dad’s relatives. Being that our dad was older just meant that his brothers’ and sister was still living. I met our uncles and met with our cousins… Went to our dads gravesite. July, I was on another plane to spend time with my aunt (my dads sister) who lives in Texas.
Since then for the most part all of us that met have been keeping in contact. We have relatives on both sides that searched for us over the years with always a dead end. Some went to the grave not ever knowing. We have all kinds of proof as to our past’s existence, documents, pictures, articles…We feel very fortunate, not all have happy endings as we have. We have a family, that doesn’t replace the family that raised us, but adds an extension of family that we never thought possible to even ever know.
There is so much more to my life that reflects all my confusions from my past but I don’t need to share that at this time, the end result of that is I came to want more in life and by wanting to know the Lord.
I have a husband, children, pets, and memories some not so good, but the good always out ways the bad.
To this day our records were sealed for what they say is forever. I believe that for whatever divine reason there was for us to know that God intended to be revealed to us, bringing closure to the family members who suffered guilt all these years for not raising us and quenching the mystery memories that plagued me in my growing up years and throughout my life as I have lived it.
My birth name is Teresa Anne Meixsell hence my alias…tameixsell
My name was changed to Terri Lynn because I knew my name I would guess. LOL I was talking by then.
So this is some of my story behind my name. I don’t think anyone could have imagined what sparked this name (tameixsell) huh?
tameixsell
08/09/2008
TAMeixsell2
Hi,
For any who thought “tameixsell” was a sad story, let me tell you it is a happy one. I am who I am and yes it took my along time to get over identity problems. But the only one that helped with that has been the Lord. No one on this earth was there for me the way He has been (understanding that we need people too). Did I always hear him? No. Did I always know it? No. Did I always listen and follow his directions? No. In writing “tameixsell” I left a lot of the real bad stuff out because I am not looking for sympathy and pity. Yes for a long time I felt sorry for my self, but that was mostly out of confusion. We all have skeletons and things in our lives that haven’t been pleasant. I have no worse life then the next person, the but to that is, that some of us start out that way as young children, and as a young child we didn’t ask it to happen, it just did, and was allowed for a reason. Do I know the reason? No. At least I don’t think so…Up until 2/14/2005 I had resigned myself to figuring it was not God’s will for me to ever know what happened and why all the confusing memories. Boy was I wrong. God has revealed to my brother and I all about our past, using the right people to be in our lives to allow us to meet what was left of our family. I wish it could have been that I would have met our father, I feel sad I couldn’t tell him I forgive him. However, I find it very awesome and I am happy that the one person that knew our mother and others was left living, that cared so deeply for and about us that they searched for us and some even spent a lot of money trying to locate us. That one person our aunt who is 100 years old and was so happy to know that we live, that her first words to me was “you sound like your mother(her sister) & when can you come see me?” When we did meet all she could say was how much she loved us and had wanted to raise us but couldn’t. The same was spoken of by our fathers’ sis who looked for us too. Our father had wanted her to raise us but she wasn’t able to do so. We had 2 uncles and 2 cousins that went as far as the courts and state capital to find us. So happy, Yes. This turned out happy. Oh yeah it could have been sooner in our lives, but you know, God’s timing is always perfect. He knew when it would be appropriate to have this happen. I knew me enough to know how I am, I share… I do not mind sharing at all. Upon leaving one of my family relatives homes. I was told by my uncle, who at that point knew not one thing about my life in my struggles as a child (I wasn’t wanting to overwhelm anyone), said to me upon getting ready to go to the airport, says to me, “Teresa, you need to know that your ending is going to be better than your beginning.” You know what? Since then I have seen a lot of things changing towards the better. Things I won’t go into major detail about but mostly family relationships, healings restoration in my marriage. Will I not have any more problems? No, that won’t stop as long as I live here on earth.
So I don’t know the real reason for writing more on this subject but I felt I needed to. So thanks for the patience it takes to read this, my grammar is not the best. LOL. Thanks for all prayers prayed.
*HUGS* to All, Teresa
8/13/2008
Continuing TAMeixsell
In thinking about what has been written so far. I sense I am not finished yet. For the sake of those having not gone through adoptions, to you I know it is hard to understand. You might think what is the big deal and even those who are adopted might say the same thing. Not having any judgement over any of you who think so. Let me say this I am no better than the next person. We all have to stand before God and make an account of our lives. No escaping that, even to those who do not believe..... Another subject.
So let me continue.
My only goal to any of this is that people will see redemption and forgiveness that has come out of this. May it never be considered wasted. To me it is not. It has brought me into a realization of how God has been with me this whole entire time. He has never left not once and as known what the outcome would be. I do not believe in coincidence.
My childhood, in my view, stunk, for the most part, even into my adult life. The bad parts I don’t need to say all of them because we all have them. Thinking back though I can see the hand of God in the parts of my life where it seemed I was at the lowest points. Yes depression… Enter then my birth father, it was in our local newspaper, he had escaped from the mental institution he was in and hitchhiked back to his home town. Why? Not sure but I believe he was on a search for his family, God only knows. I was still living at home having graduated the June before, this was march. I kept looking at that name—Meixsell. Thinking how do you say that name? Puzzling. I had no idea I was reading about my birth father. I never forgot it, the memory resurfaced these last few years. I have the article of when that was written. A God thing. I never met him, he died a few miles from me, before I knew about him.
I had moved out that summer, attempting to be on my own. Went to college and dropped out because of taking too many credits at once and was way overwhelmed. Met my husband.
Because of the confusion with growing up it seemingly would be a big mistake for me to marry the man I married, because I so desperately was looking for Love in all the wrong places. My parents wanted better.
The part I hung on to the whole entire time of my marriage has been that, even though my own husband came from a dysfunctional family, that he was very strong willed about the part of marriage. He had told me that when he married it was for life. To that I clung to that memory of so long ago. Even in his dyfunctioned lifestyle he had some capacity to Love, me wow, someone actually loved me. All I ever wanted was to be loved, have a happy marriage and 2 children. Was I in a fantasy world or what? That is how I look back on it now. But then again I was still in a state of confusion about me. I don’t know how I hid it so well except that God sure knew. We married. Marriage was rocky big time. It was like I was spirally going downwards. Because of the events, it was used however to bring me back to the Lord. I wondered why the Lord put two misfits together. My husbands life I would not have wanted to live. (That is another story in itself.) That was part of our problem we were unequally yoked. (another subject) God never intended our marriage to end. Everytime I tried to, something always happened to stop it. Devine intervention? Yes I believe so. What isn’t in God’s plan and will, he always intervenes. Yes we have choices. We also have consequences to our choices. We are allowed our free wills. Guess what? We remain together…I am not sorry about that part. It wasn’t wasted all that yuk. I realize now that if I would have left, it could have been I would have never seen the man I see now.
There were some good things. Our Children. We have 2 wonderful children that do not follow the ways of growing up living in dysfunction. What a blessing, I know it doesn’t always go that way. They didn’t do the things they saw their father and peers do. I will leave it at that. I will say that I do believe in the power of prayer. They were as well as my husband prayed over, a lot.
When I found out all the gathered information about me and my brother, I was so excited to think that our family could possible be alive. I wanted to tell my father I forgive him. I wanted to know as much about all of them that I could. I am so glad that even when the state thinks I don’t know a thing, I do. I am not looking to get any one in trouble or do I hold it as a grudge thing. To me it just goes to show a person that what the Lord God chooses to reveal will be so no matter what is hidden or covered up or sealed forever which was told to me. To what Glory does this bring? I give all credit and Glory to the Lord, for without him this would have remained a secret forever. And God knows the people who suffered the not knowing anything. My grandmother who loved us, to write us in her will and hope beyond hope that we would be found. My aunt’s and cousin who took the time to care and gather what they could of any remnants to keep incase we ever showed up. To this cousin I thank God for her because family that thought it shouldn’t or wouldn’t ever happen. (our reappearance). Family members who knew about it and cared, and for the ones who searched and came to dead ends.
For me this has brought a closure, but yet a beginning of knowing who I am. Until then there was so much confusion. I have so much to say but at the risk of hurting any one, some things will not be written as public knowledge. It is not something I am going to hide, it is out of respect and honoring a parent/family member who is living who may not be ready to be inserted as part of this writing.
A new part has been recently found, a part of my grandmothers family has surfaced, more relatives I haven’t met , but again Lord willing like the other’s I have met, this too shall come to pass.
I can’t thank God enough for the revealing the mysteries of my past. It is so a part of me and who I am. Not living in the past but looking forward to the future which has held restoration for me and my marriage and the unknown ahead. Thanks for your patience for all who has read, my language skills are not the best and I am an amateur at writing.
Thank you Lord for giving me your gift of Love that is there for all to receive not just me. We don’t have to do anything to deserve it but accept it, seeing our need for you.
The only condition to LOVE is to LOVE without condition.
Teresa
8/26/2008
