I'm not a big fan of forwarded emails, but sometimes they contain some funny things. Such is the case with the following forwarded email I received. I don't know the origin of this humorous (I think it's funny) so I cannot credit the original author) piece of "literature", but I wanted to share it with you. I hope you enjoy it :-)
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain:
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________
Mother?_____________
Pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers are
confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
__________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE
and RED HOT POKERS
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try
to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified
by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might
watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's (or Mommy's) Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a
'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are
to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Tags: Dating Teens Young Men And Women Fathers Mothers
