CHAPTER 35
People always ask us how we managed with so many children! First of all, I was a work-at-home mom. Secondly, I have a husband who will readily jump in to do dishes, make lunches, help with homework ... That being said, bed-making, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping & a whole bunch of other chores do not fall in his category. ;-) When the parenting is lovingly shared, things always go a lot better.
Although still new to the job of parenting, Den always tried his best to be there for the children & for me. Some of the older kids had finally warmed up to him & the younger ones certainly enjoyed his company. When talking about children with emotional & developmental difficulties, it is sometimes very difficult for them to show they care. Many are incapable of showing or displaying their affection. Others do not seem capable to feel & benefit from the affection shown to them. Children like Shelley, who reach the age of 6,without having ever been truly loved by another individual seem not able to recognize this emotion & although they learn to outwardly show affection, it always remains unclear as to whether they truly FEEL the giving & receiving of this most important of human emotions. This is understandable. They cannot give what they have never received.
Children who have been abused & neglected or rejected will often build such a protective wall around themselves that no true/real/genuine affection is shown or received/felt by them. This too is understandable. They have learned NOT to trust this feeling. The adults in their little lives have shown affection one day only to replace it with aggression & neglect the next.
And so, although I truly loved each one of my children with all my heart, they certainly did not show their affection in the same ways. For the most part, grateful, warm smiles, hugs & kisses were the usual show of affection that I received from my children. I was a much loved mom! J For the other children, every now & again an ‘automatic’ or ‘learned hug’ would sometimes linger a bit longer & I felt a tiny bit of ‘letting go’ on the part of the child. That was a most welcomed & treasured moment. Other times, out of nowhere the child would reach out & touch my face & look deeply into my eyes. I could almost hear his or her inner voice asking me, “Will you really always be here for me? Should I allow myself to love you & let myself be loved by you?” We take SO much for granted when we love & allow ourselves to be loved by our ‘normal’ children. For many, life & love are not so simple.
A month or so after Mona’s arrival, one of the older children ** ... for now we have a few teenagers, was hit by a car while driving a bicycle. The bicycle was demolished but fortunately, the child only suffered a broken shoulder blade & a badly banged up knee. This nevertheless created chaos in our house because it meant that, in order for that child to have a main floor bedroom; Mona would have to be relocated. She did not take well to change but since it was to be a short term move we learned to put up with her outbursts. We were learning that anything could set off an explosive reaction in Mona. Being told to wait could result in anything within her reach to be thrown.
**NOTE: When I told my children that I was writing these chapters, a few of them insisted that I not name them or mention some of the difficulties they experienced during the next few years. I apologize if this makes my writing a bit confusing at times but...I want to respect their wishes.
Other than this bicycle-car accident, the year went well with the boys taking karate lessons & the girls taking everything from piano to gymnastic to kayaking. The weekends were a blur of activities as one child or children was dropped off for one lesson & within a span of 10 minutes, another one had to be picked up from another class somewhere else! Sundays became more & more difficult as the older the teens became, the more they fought our weekly church attendance. That, combined with the often inappropriate behaviour that Mona often chose to display in church, OFTEN made this supposedly day of rest, more a day of great disharmony!
Andrew & Shelley were doing remarkably well in school. Where Andrew was now more & more communicating with signs & words , Shelley was finally able to read and write Braille like a little pro! Her ‘potential unknown’ status appeared more & more optimistic & we insisted on giving her the benefit of the doubt. In so doing, our expectations of her were, not unrealistic, but high enough to motivate & encourage her.
Den had christened me Speedy Gonzales & he often told folks that I was the only woman he knew who was out of bed & into her jeans & running shoes in the space of 5 minutes. LOL! Yes, I was one busy lady! And Denis, who was a social worker at the time, was one busy & often tired man. Although the evenings found us drained of energy, we slept soundly knowing that we were helping to make the world a happier place to live in.
Eve
