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Posted On 11/25/2020 08:46:37
The day of Thanksgiving
was finally here
but Johnny's grandmother
had a pain in her rear.
She couldn't even open
her recipe book
or prepare any meal
she had wanted to cook.
The pain from her hemorrhoids
was just so severe
she muffled her cries
so Johnny couldn't hear.
Her Motrin did nothing
and the cremes she applied
did little to quell
her deep pain inside.
Her plans for the turkey
little Johnny would eat
was like a rock in the freezer
she dare not reheat.
And then little Johnny
had a wonderful thought
He defrosted a drumstick
his grandmother had bought.
"I think you'l feel better".
he said to his granny
"If you shove this huge drumstick
way up in your fanny".
And just moments later,
came an encouraging word
"My ass feels much better"
is what little Johnny heard.
Then seeing the smile
from his grandma's relief
he opened the frig
and took out a corned beef.

Posted On 11/24/2020 13:59:45

This traumatic experience happened to me many years ago. I was probably about 10 years old or younger. What I'm about to tell you happened in Coney Island in Brooklyn, New York. I recall I was sitting very close to my father who was driving our car. I remember I was very excited and happy.
He was driving when suddenly. BOOM. !!!! Our car was hit and I felt shaken up and we were basically stuck in one spot and other cars passing us on both sides. I saw my older brother who could drive alone laughing in another car. I'll get even with him next time I drive in a bumper car.

Posted On 10/09/2020 10:43:41
Well, I finally got the courage after several nights of sleeplessness and worry and feeling faint to drive to my local CVS (alone, I might add), and get my flu shot this year. The anxiety and night sweats ,weeks of mental torture I endured before summoning up my bravery genes has now been worth it. ...I am proud to say I am a flu shot survivor.
The attractive sexy nymphomaniac flirtatious pharmacist who administered my flu shot handed me a bag of dum dum and tootsie roll lollipops as I received accolades of praise from her to undergo this pernicious ordeal. . She said to go home and treat myself to a big bowl of ice cream with hot fudge and marshmallow toppings.
She didn't cease offering her compliments about my overflowing inner fortitude that enabled me to accomplish this unbelievable feat. She said maybe next year the flu vaccine will be given in a pill form. "Chocolate "I asked, but she didn't know. Several drug companies are working on this pill before next year's flu season she said. Maybe now I can sleep, albeit I've got to prepare mentally for my next trial and tribulation getting my toe nails trimmed and callouses smoothed at my foot doctor.

Posted On 09/28/2020 09:54:48

As a teenager. it seemed being 60 years old was an age far far away, and I recall seeing the show, "Beatlemania". I think with the song, "When I'm 64", that age I'd be old and now on the other side of that number ,the number 70 is dreadful, as my days being 60 something come to a devastating end. Sixty is bad, seventy is worse, and eighty, most likely will require a hearse.
Who says age is just a number. 70 is the new 50. So 80 is the new 60? Using that logic, 100 is the new 80. Hopefully it's not all doom and gloom now. ....But driving on the highway this past weekend, the unwelcome fact has hit me that my speedometer speed is lower than me age unless I'm zooming somewhere like on Route 80 on my excursions to Pennsylvania .
So when I was asked what I want for my birthday , I had to give that question a lot of thought. I need something or someone to help ease this deplorable transition of being in my 70s. I have decided upon a gift for myself that should last the whole year to help get through this depressing time in my life. I want a butler. I want a servant at my beckon call. I want an auto mechanic available 24/7. I don't want a chauffer. I want to drive. If my car has an issue ,I want a replacement ASAP. I'm fine with a Nissan or Hyundai or Toyota. I don't ask for anything fancy.
AND I'd like a 25-30 year old gorgeous sexy social director and itinerary planner who doubles as a conjugal partner. Basically, what I'm saying is I want to do whatever I want to do whenever and wherever I want to and someone else will do what I have to do....all this for just a year. Is that so much to ask?
Furthermore, I want to eat at every possible restaurant I can over the next 365 days unless I choose to eat at home. This goes for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I want to try every gizmo and gadget on the market to see if I really like things like an air fryer or those Nuwave ovens that cook items in many ways with infra-red or ultraviolet or convection or some microwave combination of cooking .I want to know what works best for my taste
. I'll cook myself. I'm not asking for a chef but I want a full array of oils and spices and of course want to try every brand of ice cream. If I'm in the mood for lobster tails and a rib eye steak for breakfast, that's what I want. I want to eat what I want ,when I want ,and where I want. Is that so much to ask? As I said, just for one year so I can adjust to being so old. . YES. These few simple desires are all I want for my birthday. 

Posted On 09/19/2020 12:59:53

I was STARVING !!! This was absolutely the last block party I was going to attend at a former co-worker and friend of my wife in Hackensack, New Jersey last summer.

. Now we're invited to an end of summer block party next weekend. . I could spend two hours in traffic getting there from our Long Island home. Great.!! Just what I want to do on my day off is sit in traffic and then sit with a bunch of zombies I have no interest in being with. I told my wife that I'm only going if I can bring food and liquor.

Okay-my wife's friend cater to her elderly Jewish parents. I can respect that. They're Kosher-on restricted diets-no problem-but this year put out some other food besides rotten deviled eggs ,cheeses, and salads. I want real food-something I can sink my teeth into. Give me steak, chicken, beef, pork, corned beef-isn't that Kosher enough? My choices shouldn't be limited to baby carrots ,cherry tomatoes, celery, lettuce, and several varieties of unsalted nuts. What am I? a squirrel?

Every other family and friends on the block had platters of cold cuts: humongous heroes filled with sausages, meatballs, turkey, roast beef and veal- even dishes filled with lobster and shrimp. There were grills with hamburgers and hotdogs ,barbecued chicken, and ribs. Beer was flowing out of bottles on every table...except ours !!!

We had borscht,(yucch) and diluted lemonade and iced tea for the little brats that were exploding water balloons all over the table and eating cotton candy from one of the free stands. Hey?? How about a nice porterhouse steak for our table?

Anyway, I told my wife either to get new friends who live on our side of the George Washington Bridge or else I'm bringing some fried chicken and a sausage parmesan hero that I can heat up in her friend's microwave ...for me. AND a 6 pack of Heineken Premium Light . . If my wife hadn't brought Dunkin Donuts and mesquite BBQ potato chips last year, I would have certainly starved.

I'm not going there to stare at low sodium ziti with no sauce and some shrubbery with dressing I'm supposed to think is food. I'm in no way being disrespectful to the elderly Jewish couple but this is not a Passover meal and I'm not Bugs Bunny.!!

Posted On 08/28/2020 14:17:20

IN the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song 

Now it's time to say goodbye

to all my company

That's because in just a month

I'll be seventy.

I am old

I am old

are the harsh words by my daughter

I am told.

Fifty wasn't quite so bad

But sixty was much worse

Now it's time to say goodbye

My next car is a hearse.

I am old

I am old

Old age has put my life

on final hold.

Hey There Hi There Ho There

I'm as ancient as can be

Soon my last breaths coming in my

H-O -U -S -E

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