CHAPTER 37

After the telephone call regarding the death of my sister, I felt that my world had truly come to an end.  My sister lived several hundred miles away from us so a long drive awaited me. I gathered my things &, leaving Denis in charge, left to spend some time with my sister’s family.

The time spent way from one another helped both Denis & I clear our minds. I recognized that I was sinking into a depression & that I could no longer continue caring for Mona  AND be the mother I wanted to be to my other children.  I had meant well but failed.  As for my beloved husband, he also realized that if Mona stayed with us, our family, as we had known it to be, would never be again.  He feared for my health & my sanity as well.

Towards the end of the week, Den called me at my sister’s home to tell me that he had called the Family Services & a social worker was coming to make arrangements for Mona to be transferred to a group home. Mona would, in fact, be gone when I got back home.  It was such a great relief to hear him say that.  My nightmare was coming to an end.  Ironically, it was very much like getting out of the frying pan & jumping into the fire.  The nightmare may have come to an end but the feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy flared up & literally engulfed me causing me to become more & more depressed. 

My husband, although I will not speak for him, suffered much the same way I did.  He was & still is such a good man.  He is kind, considerate, caring, compassionate, gentle & forgiving.  Mona was gone when I returned but there were still papers to sign that made me react in anger and I lashed out at him.  Mona had been with us for 5 years.  The longest 5 years of my life. All that time, all that energy.... only to end in what the agency called an Adoption Breakdown. Such is life.  Such was now our shattered lives.

We sought counselling & tried to put the pieces of our lives back together.  Den had gone to Teacher’s College in 1991 & now sought a job as a teacher.  The total lack of teaching positions in & around the area where we lived forced us to consider moving to southern Ontario. 

In 1992, one of my sons became a father.  Our second grandchild was born.   Two months later, my father died.   A month or so later, we moved.  This was indeed a mixed blessing.  As difficult as it was to leave our friends & relatives in the area, starting afresh was perhaps what we really needed after all.

The love of my husband & of some of my children is what kept me going.  The wonders of medical science also helped me to eventually put things in their proper perspective. To a certain extend, my faith also helped but although I never stopped believing & trusting in God... I have no use whatsoever for any organized religion.  That is all I care to say about that at this time.

It is now time to come full circle... 36 chapters ago, I told you of a book that I had started to write after my first husband died.  I had entitled that book, Label Me Loved & dedicated it to all my beautiful children.  That book was complete, with dates, addresses, full names & all the details one usually finds in a book.  Depressions make people do awful things.  One day, while feeling extremely depressed, I took the binder and one page at a time began tearing the typed or handwritten pages that I had spent hundreds of hours writing.  Then, as the tears started to totally obscure my sight, I grabbed hands full of pages & ripped & shredded all those memories & thoughts & feelings. In my mind, I had no right to say that I was a loving mother because I wasn’t.  I was an awful, despicable person who promised a child a forever family & then let her down.   Label Me Loved?  What a laugh!  What a farce!  The book needed to be destroyed because it was, like me, a lie.  There was nothing loving about either one of us.

That, my friend, was 17 years ago. In my heart & mind, a lot of it still feels like last week.  The anger, bitterness, shame & guilt, however, are now gone.  In a sense there are regrets but again, extremely important lessons have been learned & for those I remain grateful.

It is difficult to write about certain things without having to explain where these thoughts, ideas... come from.  Now, when I write about blindness, adoption & adoption breakdown & racial issues & .....   NOW, you’ll know EXACTLY where it’s coming from.   When I decided to write blogs that contained ‘meaningful sharing’ I really didn’t think that it would go on for this long!

And, I’ve come to the realization that the title of my book is still applicable to my writings.  Only this time, the ME is not intended to represent my children but instead, it represents ME, Eve.   It took me a very long time (the best part of those 17 years) for me to learn to forgive myself & learn to love myself once again.   No, I am not a beast, a hypocrite, a bad mother, an awful wife.... I am a person who dared to walk the unbeaten path and, as we all know, unmarked roads can be treacherous! 

If it had not been for the OVERWHELMING responses that followed every blog, I maybe would have stopped writing a long time ago.  But my beautiful NOTH friends from near & far who wrote to comment, question, & encourage made me want to continue & I did.  For you all I am MOST grateful. I’ve referred to you as ‘my fan club’ but I do not say that lightly.  Without the fans there no great books or movies... only words on paper & pictures on filmdvd....  Without your eyes to read my words & your hearts to feel those words... my blogs would have been worthless.

In the future, my blogs will not be posted in the bulletin section anymore.  I did that at the end to make it easier for some of you to find me.  The blogs will also no longer be Chapters but they’ll have their own titles.

These last few Chapters have been difficult for me to write & they’ve caused me several restless nights. I look forward to a good restful night now & I wish you all the same.

Good night.  Thank you!  Merci!           &nb sp;                   La Fin        The End     

Eve

5 comments View Entry

CHAPTER 36

1987: Early summer : It was 2 years since Mona had joined our family. It had been an interesting & often times rewarding experience but, it was turning out to be somewhat more than we had bargained for. Looking back, I realize that the one thing I hadn’t taken into consideration at the time of her adoption was that every year one or two of the children graduated to the rank of teenager.  My mother’s words often echoed in my ears....”When the children are little, they are small crosses to bear.  As they become older, they become BIG crosses to bear!”  I hated to admit that she was, perhaps, right but.... The many needs of Mona, Andrew & Shelley were quite clear but raising teenagers is a completely different chapter in the big book of parenting.  I had been so busy reading everything I could on blindness, deafness, mental retardation, abused & neglected children... that I had maybe neglected learning more about the special needs of teenagers.

NOTE:  I tried writing the following years’ event as a chapter & realized that I just can’t.  You will have to forgive me & accept the abbreviated version. At the end, you will understand. 

August: One of my daughters is drugged & raped.  She ends up pregnant.  Since she is living in a family made up mostly of adopted children, she has grown up as a pro-life person like her parents.  She is, however, counselled & informed that she may chose to abort, give birth to her child & raise him or her, or put the child up for adoption.

October:  Based on my daughter’s decision to keep her child, Den & I begin plans to have a small extension added to our house in order to make room for my daughter & her child.  Most local contractors are busy & do not want such a small contract.  Finally, we are given the business card of an unknown contractor.  Winter is coming fast so when he agrees to do the job, his request of $2,500.00 to start the work seems okay.  To make a long story short ...; he took our money & ran. L

1988: May: Our first grandson is born.

1989-1990:  My elderly father & my eldest sister are both very ill.

            &nb sp;      Even though Mona is in a special class at school, the staff has a very hard time controlling her outbursts.  She repeatedly throws & pushes things.  She rips the clothes off her own body.  Even though she always leaves with her hair neatly combed; she comes back home with ever braid undone & all barrettes missing. Needless to add... we soon went to a nice short style!

‘Becoming a woman!’  When this milestone event occurs in the life of our daughters, most mothers (so I’m told) have the same mixed emotions that I had when my older girls started their menstruations. Our little girls are on their way to womanhood. The cycle of life is beautiful & as women, we look to our daughters & see in their eyes our future grand children. But on the other hand, we see their childhood innocence dissolving. Our baby girl is no longer a baby.

 When I discovered that Mona, at the early age of 11, had started her periods, there was only one emotion & it wasn’t a happy one.  Unlike the other sighted girls, Shelley, & now Mona could not see the first little telltale stains & be alerted to wear a pad. And so, that dreaded time of the month became a time of augmented laundry, discarded clothes & linens & a constant battle with Mona to ‘leave things in place!’ 

Wanting to be more independent, 2 of our daughters, who were now attending university decided to move out of our home & into an apartment closer to the university.  Rosanna is becoming quite aggressive & rude in her manner & rebellious in her behaviour. She refuses to cooperate in any way with Den.  Her insolent ways are becoming very difficult to deal with. 

The boys were getting into their own share of trouble ... frustrating, disappointing stuff but nothing we couldn’t handle with discussions & groundings!  I especially enjoyed it when one of the boys was grounded. As contrary & evasive & obnoxious as he could be at times, once grounded, he was an absolute sweetheart! He would follow me around the house, chatting away about all sorts of things.  He would volunteer to do dishes, sweep floors..... He was like a completely different guy! A most lovable one too!  Maybe those frequent groundings & the time he spent in the kitchen with me helped to contribute to the culinary skills that he displays today! LOL!

Christmas Day 1990:  The table is set. Everyone is anxiously waiting for the superb supper that I’m preparing to be served. There are 17 of us for Christmas dinner...  Just as I started bringing some of the dishes to the table, Mona walked in & became upset over something. She had signed for juice & I signed for her to wait.  WAIT is a 4 letter word for many children. It especially was for Mona. In a fit of anger, she grabs one of the dishes & throws it against the wall! I watch, dumfounded, as the contents of the plate splatter all over the wall & the plate then crashes to the floor. Merry Christmas!

1991: It has become quite obvious that I can no longer cope with Mona. She has become the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I am becoming a very anxious & depressed person.  I find myself crying in despair many times... wondering what will become of us!  I dread getting up in the morning.  I softly cry myself to sleep at night.  In an effort to salvage our crumbling marriage & family, we appeal for & get more respite time.  Every so often, Mona goes to a group home for a weekend so we can spend more quality time with those children who are still at home.  Although we have outside workers who come & work one on one with Andrew & Mona on the weekends, it is just not enough.  We can’t afford a maid or a cook.  Den & I are responsible for everything!

April:  Mona has gone to a respite home for the weekend.  Ahhh!  I am so relieved.  I KNOW I made a TERRIBLE mistake when I insisted we adopt Mona. 

“Mea culpa.  Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa!”    (And if you don’t know this Latin expression. It means By my fault.  By my fault. Entirely by my fault!) 

On the second day that Mona is away, the telephone rings.  It is the hospital calling.  Mona has been involved in an accident at the group home; could we get to the hospital right away! This is, in a nutshell, what occurred... A staff member at the group home was busy making a pot of soup.  The large pot of homemade soup sat simmering on a back burner on the stove.  Another child was playing on the floor in the kitchen.  Mona came in the kitchen.  The other child got up from the floor where he had been playing with toy cars, & left the room.  Mona signed for a cookie & milk.  The staff member who was busy cleaning the counter top told her to wait just a minute.

Upon seeing the hated WAIT sign, Mona (who had enjoyed quite a growth spurt & now stood nearly four feet tall) went to the stove & pulled the boiling hot soup off the stove & onto the floor.  The shocked staff member came rushing to rescue Mona but slipped on the soup & fell.  Mona, feeling the hot liquid on her feet had jumped up on the counter.  The staff member suffered 3^rd degree burns to her hand, arm & thigh. Mona had 2^nd & 3^rd degree burns to her arm & one foot.

I cried & cried.  I realized that although I was concerned about Mona’s burns, all I could think of was what if this had happened when that other child had been playing on the floor?  Our little grandson often played on the floor at home... what if she inadvertently harmed him, or Andrew?  Through tears of despair, I told my husband that I had been wrong... SO VERY WRONG to bring this child into our home.  I begged for him to understand & forgive me & told him that I wanted her to leave.

Never, in our wildest dreams had we foreseen that one day, we would be looking at an adoption breakdown. This 8^th adoption had caused such a rift in our marriage & in our family that I truly felt that there was no hope for us.

A few days later, another telephone call came & added even more sadness to my breaking heart & soul.  My beloved sister, Gloria, had died.

Eve

5 comments View Entry

CHAPTER 35

People always ask us how we managed with so many children! First of all, I was a work-at-home mom.  Secondly, I have a husband who will readily jump in to do dishes, make lunches, help with homework ... That being said, bed-making, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping & a whole bunch of other chores do not fall in his category. ;-)  When the parenting is lovingly shared, things always go a lot better.

Although still new to the job of parenting, Den always tried his best to be there for the children & for me.  Some of the older kids had finally warmed up to him & the younger ones certainly enjoyed his company.  When talking about children with emotional & developmental difficulties, it is sometimes very difficult for them to show they care. Many are incapable of showing or displaying their affection.  Others do not seem capable to feel & benefit from the affection shown to them. Children like Shelley, who reach the age of 6,without having ever been truly loved by another individual seem not able to recognize this emotion & although they learn to outwardly show affection, it always remains unclear as to whether they truly FEEL the giving & receiving of this most important of human emotions. This is understandable. They cannot give what they have never received.

 Children who have been abused & neglected or rejected will often build such a protective wall around themselves that no true/real/genuine affection is shown or received/felt by them. This too is understandable.  They have learned NOT to trust this feeling. The adults in their little lives have shown affection one day only to replace it with aggression & neglect the next.

And so, although I truly loved each one of my children with all my heart, they certainly did not show their affection in the same ways.  For the most part, grateful, warm smiles, hugs & kisses were the usual show of affection that I received from my children. I was a much loved mom! J  For the other children, every now & again an ‘automatic’ or ‘learned hug’ would sometimes linger a bit longer & I felt a tiny bit of ‘letting go’ on the part of the child. That was a most welcomed & treasured moment.  Other times, out of nowhere the child would reach out & touch my face & look deeply into my eyes.  I could almost hear his or her inner voice asking me, “Will you really always be here for me?   Should I allow myself to love you & let myself be loved by you?” We take SO much for granted when we love & allow ourselves to be loved by our ‘normal’ children. For many, life & love are not so simple.

A month or so after Mona’s arrival, one of the older children ** ... for now we have a few teenagers, was hit by a car while driving a bicycle.  The bicycle was demolished but fortunately, the child only suffered a broken shoulder blade & a badly banged up knee.  This nevertheless created chaos in our house because it meant that, in order for that child to have a main floor bedroom; Mona would have to be relocated.   She did not take well to change but since it was to be a short term move we learned to put up with her outbursts. We were learning that anything could set off an explosive reaction in Mona.  Being told to wait could result in anything within her reach to be thrown. 

**NOTE:  When I told my children that I was writing these chapters, a few of them insisted that I not name them or mention some of the difficulties they experienced during the next few years. I apologize if this makes my writing a bit confusing at times but...I want to respect their wishes.  

Other than this bicycle-car accident, the year went well with the boys taking karate lessons & the girls taking everything from piano to gymnastic to kayaking.  The weekends were a blur of activities as one child or children was dropped off for one lesson & within a span of 10 minutes, another one had to be picked up from another class somewhere else!  Sundays became more & more difficult as the older the teens became, the more they fought our weekly church attendance.  That, combined with the often inappropriate behaviour that Mona often chose to display in church, OFTEN made this supposedly day of rest, more a day of great disharmony!

Andrew & Shelley were doing remarkably well in school. Where Andrew was now more & more communicating with signs & words , Shelley was finally able to read and write Braille like a little pro! Her ‘potential unknown’ status appeared more & more optimistic & we insisted on giving her the benefit of the doubt.  In so doing, our expectations of her were, not unrealistic, but high enough to motivate & encourage her.

Den had christened me Speedy Gonzales & he often told folks that I was the only woman he knew who was out of bed & into her jeans & running shoes in the space of 5 minutes. LOL!  Yes, I was one busy lady!  And Denis, who was a social worker at the time, was one busy & often tired man.  Although the evenings found us drained of energy, we slept soundly knowing that we were helping to make the world a happier place to live in.

Eve

1 comments View Entry

CHAPTER 34

2 comments View Entry

CHAPTER 33

Jamaica in February is totally exotic... especially if you are coming from a place where the snow banks are over five feet high!  Denis & I absolutely loved the little resort we were staying at. Every morning we slept in, had a leisurely breakfast & then set for the beach or for an excursion of some kind.  We love to visit the country we are visiting & talk to the ‘locals’. 

One day, as we were driving to a certain place, I happen to see a sign that said Johnny Cash SOS village. ((http://www.sos-jamaica.org/).  We both wondered what that was all about & decided to go check it out. The next day found us at the village, surrounded by loving children & wonderfully caring staff.  What an experience!

Ocho Rios, sand dunes, star lit nights, lovely sun tans ... it was such a beautiful week!  In a way we felt that it was over way too fast but, in another way, I was starting to really miss the children so going back was not such a bad thing.  If only all that darn snow could be gone!!!

Once we were seated & settled on the airplane I decided that we could fill some time by discussing the letter that I had received from Laura.  Bit by bit, I revealed its contents to my attentive husband.  He remembered that little girl, Mona, from the adoption conference... we both did.  But, at the time we did not want a little girl so we had not given her much thought.  He listened & after a few moments, he turned to me & said, “I don’t really think we should adopt her.  Andrew was supposed to be our last child.  I think we have our hands quite full as it is.”

“You’re absolutely right,” I replied.  “I’ll present her to a few families we know & maybe we can help the agency find her a home.” 

I was rested.  I was very much in love with my husband. (And I still am! J) The week’s holiday had done wonders to revitalize & energize me so I felt compelled to add to the conversation. 

“You know, the blindness part doesn’t worry me because we have things pretty well under control with Shelley.  And, now that we’ve started sign language with Andrew, the whole family will soon be able to communicate with him with signs.  So, in a sense, I don’t feel that it would be so hard if we did take her.”

“Well, in a way you’re right”, Denis replied, “but...I still think we have enough to deal with already.  Let’s just try to find her a home elsewhere if we can.”

A few hours later, we were landing safely at the Toronto airport & soon afterwards, we were being warmly welcomed by a bunch of kids who had missed us too.  My mother-in-law must have been equally overjoyed to see us but, she put on a very brave front & hid her fatigue quite well.  Bless her soul!

It never takes very long to fall back into one’s routine.  Within a matter of days, the suitcases had been emptied & put away & the sun tans were starting to fade.  I was rooting around in my purse one day, looking for my car key, when I came across Laura’s letter.  In the excitement & activity of our homecoming, I had completely forgotten about it.   Mona, I thought.  Poor little Mona!  There must be a family for her somewhere!  We’ll just have to keep looking!

One by one, I approached various families in the hope of finding an interested couple.  I offered my assistance in ANY way possible so that, should they want to try it, their chances of a successful adoption would be greater.  Unfortunately, a month and more went by & still, no one wanted to accept the challenge.  I was so disappointed.  Me being me, I felt somehow responsible for this child’s future.  Den kept telling me that there would ALWAYS be orphans & children in need of families.  We certainly couldn’t adopt them ALL!  I knew he was right but I nevertheless felt obligated, maybe because of that letter, to ‘rescue’ Mona.  And so, against my husband’s better judgement but with his blessings, I called Mona’s Adoption Agency & told her case worker that we were interested in adopting this little deaf-blind girl who had just had her seventh birthday.

Eve

3 comments View Entry

Chapter 32

“This holiday in Jamaica is going to be fantastic!” said Denis as he settled himself in his seat on board the airplane.

“You bet!” I replied enthusiastically, “a whole week without hearing the word ‘Mom!’    I can’t wait to see the falls at Ocho Rios & go shopping & swimming in the ocean & .....”

“Whoa!” said Denis, holding up his hand. “Before I go anywhere, I need to get some serious rest.  I’m SO tired!

“Not me”, I replied laughing... I’m so excited about going on a holiday that I feel full of energy!”

By the time the airline attendant had finished going over the security information, Denis has lowered his back rest & was ready to sleep. 

“See you in Jamaica!” he said smiling.

“You go right ahead & sleep”, I replied; “I brought a book for the flight.”

I reached down to get my book out of my carry-one bag but then remembered the letter in my purse.  It was from my friend Laura.  She & her husband were also adoptive parents & they were very involved in the Adoptive Parent group in their area.  I hadn’t heard from Laura in a while & I wondered what interesting news she had to share with me.

Theirs was a large interracial & international family as well.  And some of their children also had special needs.  In the few years we had known one another, we had shared many of our joys, frustrations, disappointments & anxieties all the while knowing that the other fully understood.  Such a friend is quite valuable!

It was a nice, long letter... several pages long! Great! This is better than a book I thought & smiled as I started to read.   She began by giving me an update on the overall family, on herself & her husband, John. Then, one by one, Laura wrote a few lines describing the health, the progress or the lack of progress of each one of their 12 children!  It made for such interesting reading!  All too soon, I was on the last page. I don’t remember word for word what she wrote but it was something to this effect...

“... I’m sending you the information on a little girl who is really having a hard time finding a forever family.  She’s been available for adoption ever since she was a baby but no family has yet been found for her.  She is 6, almost 7 years old.  You know that the older the child is, the more difficult it is to find her or him a home!  You might remember Mona as she was presented at the Adoption conference that you & Den attended back in ’85.   She is a very petite, black child.  She is blind but has some very limited sight.  Mona does not talk but she does make sounds. She is deaf & now wears hearing aids. She’s learning sign language & is starting to use it which is quite encouraging. ..... I realize that it’s only been about 6 months since you & Denis took Andrew into your home & I don’t want this letter to make you feel pressured in any way but, do you think that you & Denis would be interested in adopting this little girl?   And if you cannot, do you know anyone who would be up for this sort of challenge? .......   All my love, Laura.”

Inside the envelope I found Mona’s picture & the write-up that had appeared in Today’s Child. I looked at this child, this poor deaf-blind child. What would become of her?  No! I thought.  NO! I inwardly shouted.  I don’t want to have to make this decision!  We have our family now.  Andrew was to be the last one.  I don’t know but I don’t think we can do this!   

My heart felt heavy & all of a sudden, I was no longer full of energy but rather, I also felt very tired. I put the letter & the photo away & rested my head on the back of my seat. I glanced at my sleeping husband & decided that I’d wait a few days to tell him about Laura’s letter.  After a few days of rest, I was sure that we would be able to make a wise decision.

Eve

2 comments View Entry

CHAPTER 31

Out of the 50 or more children being featured that day about seven of them caught my eye & tugged at my heart.   When Den & I later compared notes, he had, except for the exception of one or two children, the same names on his list!  The one name that we had both underlined several times, however, was Andrew. 

For me, it was love at first sight.  My ears could hear the social worker saying things about having seizures, about his severe eczema, about mental retardation, & about Andrew not being able to talk ...  But my eyes could only see this beautiful 5 year old black child. I knew he was meant to be my son.

When it came time to meet the social workers, Den & I decided to go see Andrew’s worker the first. There was another couple ahead of us so we waited in line.  Since they were black & we aren’t I felt my heart drop thinking they had a better chance to be chosen.  But, we waited our turn & then spoke to a very nice worker who took the necessary preliminary information & promised to call us with the week.

One day.  Two days. Three.  Why is it some days are SOOOO long & yet others just fly by? Finally the call came & I was asked more questions. Our agency had sent our completed adoption information to Andrew’s adoption agency & yes... they were interested in meeting us!!   Could we arrange to go back to that city in order to meet with his social worker again & best of all... to actually meet Andrew for the first time!

On June 18^th, 1985, Den & I went to the group home where Andrew was being cared for. He was even more beautiful than the photos we had seen.  Although his eyes had a far away look to them, every now & again, he would smile & his whole face would light up.  Andrew avoided eye contact.  He seemed to not like to be held or hugged & he did not talk.  He was able to talk but, like Shelley, he was echolalic at this point... repeating many words but not communicating on his own. He had one BIG passion & that was buses. Denis & I both fell in love with him.  We spent the next day playing with him, taking him for rides & for walks & talking at length to the couple who had been caring for Andrew for the last five months. 

On July 12, Andrew & his social worker flew to our home so that Andrew could meet the rest of his soon-to-be family.  And, the agency obviously wanted to see where little Andrew was going to be living once the adoption was completed.  It was a fantastic visit!   The children loved Andrew right away. Shelley loved the feel of his tightly curled hair.  Tony, Daniel & Steven were overjoyed that they were getting a brother & not another sister!  The girls found him sweet. It was a short visit but, it was enough to convince everyone that Andrew was very much wanted by everyone in our family & he also seemed to be quite comfortable with us.

July 31^st was the day that Andrew joined our family. Andrew came by car this time, with his social worker & all his worldly possessions in a few small bags.  When the car pulled up in the driveway, we all went out to greet them.  When Andrew got out of the car, he put his arms out &, with a big smile on his face, he ran right into my waiting arms & took up his permanent spot in my heart.  We had another month or so of summer holidays to get to know our new son. This precious time also allowed the other children to play with & become accustomed to Andrew.  The summer of 1985 remains, to this day, as one of my very best summers! Fourteen months later, Andrew officially became our 10th child, when the judge signed his adoption papers.

My birthday & that of hubby’s, are only ONE day apart.  The birth year, however, is a few YEARS apart. ;-)  So, in 1986, we decided that we would celebrate our birthday in Jamaica.  Neither one of us had ever been to Jamaica & since Andrew’s heritage was Jamaican, we thought it would be nice to go visit his birthmother’s native home.  My mother-in-law agreed to come & stay with the kids once again.  Thank goodness for great in-laws!!  We would only be gone for a week but it would be so nice to get away by ourselves.   On the day of departure, we were all ready to drive to the airport when the mailman came to the door.  I took the letters & put them in my purse.  I could read them on the plane.  I didn’t want anything to spoil this long-awaited holiday! 

Eve

4 comments View Entry

Too funny! A cloudy grey afternoon soo, since I've had several request to get cracking & add another chapter to my sloooooowly unraveling story, I thought I would do just that.  Upon opening my Word program, what do I find but Chapter 30, already written & waiting to be sent.  DUH!!   I don't even remember writing it!  LOL!   So here it is... short & sweet... & now, I'll start Chapter 31.  Enjoy!

Chapter 30

        In 1985,  true to our word, Den & I approached the Children’s Aid Society once again in order to apply to adopt ‘ just one more’ child.  We wanted no shortcuts, no emergency situation.  Den & I simply wanted to follow an adoption from beginning to end together. This was to be our (so we thought) ‘pregnancy’ & we wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. 

        We already knew the type of child we wanted... a little boy between the ages of 3 & 6... NO YOUNGER.  And, we knew that this child would be disabled in some way. We had no particular child in mind at that time.  Our social worker took all the information & advised us that we would have to attend the six evening courses that all newly adopting parents needed to take.   Our worker laughed when she was telling us this &, turning to Den, she added that he would be sitting alone for part of the fifth course. 

        “I don’t understand”, Denis replied.  “Where’s Eve going to be?”

        “You’ll be sitting alone”, she answered, “because that’s the night that Eve normally GIVES the talk on Adopting the Older Child!” 

        By the time the end of April came around, we had finished our pre-adoption courses, our home study had been prepared & reviewed & so we were ready to begin searching for our next son.  When the Adoption Conference rolled around, Den & I looked forward to attending it in order to assist to the presentations of eligible children all waiting to be adopted.  At that time, representatives from many of the Children’s Aid Societies in Ontario (& a few out-of-province ones too) came armed with slide projectors & slides of the children waiting in each of their respective districts.  One by one, each social worker had a chance to present a handful of ‘her children’ to the wide-eyed, ‘expecting’ parents. 

        There were approximately 50 children being featured or presented that day. They ranged in age from infants to pre-teens. Most were presented by themselves but several were part of a family grouping that could not be separated.  The child’s (or children’s) photo was flashed on a screen & the social worker slowly went through some of the child’s basic information in simple terms.  The few infants & toddlers who were featured were beautiful children BUT.... they either had serious medical problems or they were disabled in one way or another.  These children, all of the ones being presented, were here...in photos & slides.... because earlier attempts to find them families had failed.  They were not, ‘the cream of the crop’ as one person once put it.  To but it bluntly, they were the rejected ones... too old, too disabled, too sick, too many siblings, too many emotional or psychological problems.  It was really too sad to see!

        Everyone in the audience had a booklet that showed a photo of the child along with his or her basic information.  Folks were encouraged to take notes &, should a particular child catch their attention, that child’s worker would be available to give more information & take down their names for a follow-up if it was requested.

        Den & I decided that we would participate in the presentation & clearly indicated our ‘preferences’ or ‘choices’ but, we would NOT share them with each other until the presentation was completely over. We wondered if our ‘instincts’ would hone in on the same child or children. It’s to be understood that there was no guarantee that any of those children would be assigned to any particular couple.  The agency & not the couples had the final say in which child went where.

        Many of the couples seemed very anxious & uptight.  This was perhaps their first adoption & their longing for a child could easily be seen & felt.  But Den & I were a lot more relaxed.  We were in no rush for another child.  We knew there was a little boy out there waiting for us... we would connect sooner or later.

Eve

2 comments View Entry

Chapter 29

I think it’s safe to say that Rosanna’s nose was put a bit out of joint by Ching’s arrival.  Surprisingly enough, however, she didn’t let it show too much & we didn’t get the outbursts that I had expected.   Maybe it was because Ching was socially way behind Rosanna & the latter felt very much her ‘big sister’.  Rosanna was in fact, quite good with Ching, showing her & telling her all sorts of things that little sisters need to know.

And so it was that life in our home was really not that different than before.  Ching’s arrival, just before the summer holidays, was perfect in the sense that it allowed everyone to adapt & adjust to the fact that we were now a family of 11... plus our little dog Sheena.

All the children had their own bicycle except for Shelley but, that summer, we came up with a fantastic idea.  We bought two identical bikes & Den’s father welded them together so that Shelley could actually pedal & enjoy the ride while someone else did the guiding.  It was similar to a tandem bike but it was side by side instead.  She was, understandably so, a bit leery at first but she soon got the hang of it & enjoyed it. ( Look for the picture in my gallery)  At first. 

Shelley had been with us long enough now that we were slowly finding out more & more things about her health, her emotional & psychological needs & her overall character.  She had a bit of a ‘controlling’ problem.  She also had quite the temper as well.

So, at first, she allowed the person on the other bike to guide.  That was the whole idea!!  Being totally blind, there was no way she could have taken the lead so to speak.  But, Shelley being Shelley, once she was comfortable on the bike, she started moving the handle bars left & right while they would be riding on the side of the road.  We lived in an off the beaten path subdivision & there was very little traffic but still!!!   There were ditches!   One by one the children started complaining when I would suggest they take Shelley out for a spin.  Upon inquiry, she confessed & agreed not to do that anymore.  The promises were not kept & the hassles continued until one by one the kids begged me not to send them on these torture ride.  How sad!

Her contrary nature has, do this day, been one of her worst disabilities.  By refusing to accept assistance or suggestions from other people, she slowly ostracized many individuals who would have been more than happy to help her.

And so, from June 22, 1984, we had triplets Steven, Rosanna & Ching were all born in 1975. We also had twins ... Daniel & Shelley were twins for 8 months of the year whereas Daniel & Tony were twins for only one month of the year.   The differences in the races & the similarities in the ages of the children certainly shed another definition to the word family.  Most people clued in quickly that this was either an adoptive or a foster family but not everyone.  

Let me take you back to the summer before my first husband died. We had been invited to a neighbourhood BBQ.  There were many children in attendance ... all of them running around playing & having a great time. Our hostess had also invited a few of her father & a few relatives to the BBQ.  During the course of the afternoon, one or the other of my children had come up to find me & ask me if they could go inside the house to use the washroom or to show me something or whatever...  Each one would run up to me saying “Mom....” & then more quietly talk to me.   After a while, I noticed that every time one of the children came to me, our hostess’s father would scan both me & my child from head to toe in such a deliberate manner.

At one point, Rosanna was asking or telling me something & I saw the man eye us both & then he rose from his chair & went to speak to his daughter.  He was too far from me so I didn’t hear what he said but, the laughter that followed from my friend could certainly be heard.  She looked over at me, laughing so hard she could hardly talk & said, “You can’t imagine what my father just told me!  He said,” I don’t know if that woman’s husband knows it but, I sure can tell that she fools around with other men!”  She then proceeded to explain to her aging father that the ‘different’ children were adopted. The poor man’s jaw dropped & he looked briefly at me & said, “I’m sorry.  I’ve never seen a family like this before!”

Christmas 1984 was beautiful... Den & I were so happy with our multiracial, multicultural family. I like to call it my ‘rainbow family’ & although we were far from being rich in the monetary sense, we felt as if we had found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  There was only one thing missing... Den had still to experience a ‘regular’ adoption from beginning to end.  We decided then that we would look into that in the new year.  One more.  There was a little boy waiting for us & we would soon be ready for him.

Eve

Tags: Adoption Races

4 comments View Entry