For about a week I had gone through the 'drop its' or everything I wanted or needed was in another room. I had an ankle and knee that was giving me problems. Constantly getting up and down became frustrating, to say the least. I am used to praying for guidance and giving thanks for my blessings. Last night I prayed for God to send me someone who would fetch and carry for me. My advice to most people when they want something specific to happen is to pray for guidance and to be put into alignment with God's plan to ensure peace and tranquility. I always say, "Watch what you pray for."I should have taken my own advice.
"Jane you are the only one I could think of to help us right now. We have a stray that has a broken foot and needs a quiet place to stay until we can find him a forever home. He is a surrender. His owner died and we just don't have a place for him. His name is Loverboy."
Sometimes it just does not pay to answer the door. I had already ushered Belle and Sweet Pea into the back bedroom. I had put up a flap to keep Oscar and Grammy from having free reign of the kitchen.
"Where is he now?" I watched as the chief rubbed his hands together. I could tell he was depending on me saying yes. He seemed very nervous. "What do I need to know about Loverboy?"
"He loves everything female."
"Is he going to try to get to any of my girls?" I watched the chief. He was walking back and forth now. Chewing his upper lip. Trying to smile. I had watched this man face a robber who had broken into my house. I had watched as he captured a drug ring in a sting operation across the street at the truck rest. I had watched him stare down an angry deaf man trying to keep others from stepping on his hearing aid that had fallen out. That guy was crazy. This man I was watching now is not the brave hero I had learned to count on in a crisis. "Chief, what are you not telling me?"
"Oh, Jane, let me go get him. He is in the van outside... please. You will understand. He won't hurt you, I promise."
I watched from the window as he went down the steps to the van. He gave a thumbs-up sign to two other officers in the van. They get out and go behind the van. Now, I can't see anyone. Suddenly, they all three start running out with a long leash behind them tied to a five-foot-three-inch llama. He is spitting on them. They try to duck but this thing is nailing them every time. I could not help but laugh. I had actually taken care of llamas before. Ray and I had a friend out at the lake that had a petting zoo. John Fuller had two llamas. They are good spitters. If you make them mad, they will spit on you. They can spit a long distance too. I went to the kitchen and got a whole roll of paper towels, a bowl of white vinegar, and 3 bottles of hand sanitizer.
I opened the door and said, "Welcome, gentlemen. I have a llama spit clean-up station all set up. Wipe the bulk off first then dip your hands in the vinegar to cut the sticky then use the sanitizer to clean it all off."
The chief grinned so big I could see nothing but teeth. "I knew you would know, Jane."
"What did you do to him. They only do that when they are mad at someone." We found his owner. We had to restrain him so we could get the body out. He thinks we are the ones that hurt his owner. His owner is or was a hundred years old. They had been together for a very long time. We contacted his kids and grandkids. It seems, Loverboy only likes females. All of the people in his family are male. All the women or dead or gone. No one wanted Loverboy."
I watched as the officers watched Loverboy. He heard my voice and suddenly stopped playing target practice with the officers and ran across the yard, up the steps, and straight to me. He laid his head on my shoulder. He started making smacking noises. They have very soft lips. "Now, there, there. My sweet Loverboy." I motioned for the officers to go past me into the house so they could get cleaned up. I told them to clean up and holler when they were seated in the living room. Loverboy and I did our little hug thing on the front porch.
Don't you know George, my Yankee neighbor is going to get a kick out of this one? My favorite gossiper will have a field day too. I could hardly wait to get the chatter going. At least everyone will stop talking politics for a while. I heard the officers holler they were ready.
I took Loverboy by the leash and slowly walked with him into the house. I held the leash very tight around his upper neck as I took him to each officer. When I saw him gathering a spitball, I put my hand around his snout and said in a very firm voice, "NO, Loverboy, NO." He stopped. He did not hug anyone else, but he did not spit again. I also remembered that God never gives us something we cannot handle. Now I know why experience with llamas while working with John Fuller when Ray and I lived at the lake. He had a petting zoo. It was small but the animals were very good. I remember that John had to let me feed his llama because it would spit on him.
I then had the time of my life introducing Loverboy to the rest of his newfound harem. Sweet Pea kissed him, Belle danced at both ends for him. Grammy wanted a ride. Oscar looked, watched him put his head on each female. Oscar is so clever. He just bowed his head and folded his little hands across his tummy. He then scampered out to the laundry room and got a bowl of popcorn. He brought it out to Loverboy. The two guys then sat there, eating popcorn, watching the girls go by.
I took Loverboy to the front room and closed him off until the officers made their getaway. I told the chief he was going to have to supply the hay to keep Loverboy happy. He promised to bring some by. He would also be sending the vet by to double-check his split hooves.
Now, I gotta figure out how to get this sweet idiot off my shoulder. He is a cry baby for sure. I did however discover he is excellent at fetching. All I gotta do is point to something and he will bring me everything he can pick up ... in that direction. I spent most of my time putting away things Loverboy brought me. He eventually brought me what I thought I was pointing to.I must learn to be more specific. It looks like I got me a real ringed tail tooter this time. I am not sure if I will be keeping Loverboy or not. It is a big responsibility. It might take care of the lawnmowing problem. He and I are still getting acquainted.
I really need to be more specific in my dreams. I dreamed of living with a male that would wait on me instead of the other way around. This is not exactly what I had in mind. I gotta figure out how to handle the doggy door and Loverboy.
My retirement is nothing like I thought it was going to be.
PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW
Loverboy and I have only been acquainted for a few days. The chief of police asked me to foster him until a forever home could be found. I live in a busy neighborhood in a very small town. I am a widow. Most of the homes in my block belong to other widows. We have one lone wolf among us. He is a retired New York policeman who walks his cat on a leash. George and I have had our ups and downs for sure.
I introduced George to members at the senior center. He was thrilled to discover there were two more men from New York. This is only of interest because the other widows in the hood spend a lot of time making food and taking it to George. They accidentally on purpose show up when he has his buddies come over for dominoes. The town's biggest gossip is among the widows who haunt him. He has gotten used to the custom of Southern women to get to a man's heart through his stomach. Especially since the swish in his walk was due to a bullet wound and not because he was gay.
I have two pet squirrels and two dogs. My babysitting requests have extended from children with special needs to elderly parents. My latest request was fostering Loverboy.
Loverboy only likes females. All females. Both my dogs are female. One other male in the house is Oscar. Oscar is a very talented squirrel. Surprisingly Loverboy and Oscar have had a ball watching the girls walk up and down the street. However, the men, so I learned, have had a rough time of it. I promise I had no idea it was happening.
When first I wake up I glance out the window to see what is happening on my street. I got curious when I watched George walk by with his cat, Bertha, and suddenly slap the back of his neck. Then he suddenly ducked and felt something on the top of his head. I am thinking, a bird pooped on him. He made a "Yuke" face and started looking around. He hurried back across the street and got on his front porch. I got fascinated when I discovered three of my other neighbors on the gossip's front porch. They were all watching George. I decided it must be domino day and shrugged it off.
I went to the kitchen to make coffee and make some toast. Boom! Boom! It sounded like world war three outside. Bang, Bang. I rushed to the window. Now three men are shooting up into the biggest tree in my yard. It is not actually in my yard but the branches spread over my fence. I could not imagine what they could be shooting at. I instantly called the police. I made my way to the backyard.
I yelled at George, "You stop that." I hurried to the fence line. "What are you trying to kill?" I had remembered him trying to kill Oscar had come in his open window.
"There is some bird up here that is spitting on us. I have been nailed every time I walk Bertha. When my buddies got here I invited them over to help me find it. I cannot see it. I thought if I shot up into the tree it might scare it and it would fly away. Before we were halfway across the street my two buddies got nailed. In the middle of the street, Jane." He is yelling at me and waving his gun around.
"Put that gun away before someone gets hurt." All of a sudden, all three men got hit again; one, two, three. I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. There, just behind the tool shed, are Loverboy and Oscar. Oscar is on Loverboy's neck as if he is riding him. "Loverboy, you stop that."
"Loverboy? Who are you calling Loverboy? Jane, who has been spitting at me for the last three days? George had put away his gun. But I could tell he was completely confused. His double chin was quivering. He held his hands up from the elbows, palms up.
"I thought you said you and Jane were just friends." The town gossip had her hands on her hips and turned from George to me. "Who are you calling Loverboy, Jane?" The town gossip leads the parade of widows now joining the men under the tree. This instant cackle of geese were all asking the same thing. Ladies, I want you to stand right where you are and wait.
"Gentlemen, please wait here for just a second. I went into the house and got an umbrella and two newspapers. I hurried back out to the fence line. I handed each man something to cover their heads. "Ladies, would you please step to the fenceline. By this time everyone was wondering what was going on. The ladies stood at the fence with me. "Loverboy, come here."
Everyone's mouth fell open. Loverboy walked out from behind the tool shed. He walked over to the fence. He laid his head on each one of the ladies' shoulders and made smacking noises. His lazy eyes and floppy ears stole their hearts. "Loverboy only likes girls." The ladies started petting him and cooing and awing him. Oscar scampered up to the top of his head and waved his hands. I reached up and rescued Oscar. "I am so sorry guys, I had no idea he was taking potshots at you. George, hold onto your umbrella and walk slowly to the fence." Geoge followed my instructions.
While Loverboy was snuggling with the town's gossip, and her two friends; George stroked him. "Talk to him in a female voice, George."
"Loverboy," George said in a very high-pitched female voice that surprised us all. Loverboy laid his head on George's shoulder. Everyone said "awe" at the same time.
The police car showed up with two officers. They started to come out of the car and stopped. They got out the megaphone and shouted from behind the car door. "Jane, can you handle this?"
"I got it, guys. Loverboys has been getting to know the neighbors." I then turned to George, you better walk away slowly and go talk to the officers about firing a gun within the city limits. You are a retired policeman you should know better. Did you hit your head when you fell off that turnip truck?" Geroge started walking towards the police car.
"We have found a forever home for Loverboy on a farm. The lady has two daughters running the farm with her. Loverboy will fit right in with the other animals she has. She has goats, pigs, chickens, dogs, and a couple of cats." We will be by later today to pick Loverboy up."
The entire crowd now, in unison, said, "Oh, no." Suddenly, the three ladies gave Loverboy a hug. The two gentlemen still standing under the tree holding newspapers over their heads forgot... they had not been properly introduced to Loverboy. They came towards the group now at the fence. "Yuke." They shouted as Loverboy landed two really good spitballs on both of them.
"Sir," The officer said to the men. "Now you know why we are talking from here. We know Loverboy. He can spit farther and more accurately than anything I have ever seen before."
"What kind of camel is he, Jane." The town gossip had never seen a llama. "Their lips are so soft. He is so sweet." She stroked Loverboys neck and laid her head on his head. He made smacking noises.
"Loverboy is a llama," I answered the gossip and could see all the wonderful gossip she thought she was going to have next time she went to the grocery store. She almost squealed with delight.
" Officer," I shouted towards the police car. George was showing one officer his gun. "I am going to put Loverboy back in the house and get him ready for his trip. If you will call me on the phone I will tell you how to handle him so no one gets spit upon while loading him up." I got a thumbs up from the officers. The crowd now watched as I pulled on Loverboy's leash and lead him back into the house.
All watched from their respective porches as the van showed up and four female officers showed up to take Loverboy to his new home. I had gotten him out to the van. By the time I got to the back of the van, all three ladies were there for their final goodbyes. That poor truck driver that walked by at just the wrong time. "Yuke!, Oh, Yuke!" He shouted. The two officers, the ladies, and I all laughed. We could not help it. It was funny. We got a nasty look from the poor guy as he ran across the street to get away from whatever was spitting on him.
Loverboy's stay was a short one but his memory will last a long time. I just glanced out the window, George was walking Bertha again. I saw him pause, put his hand over his heart, and softly pat his chest. He shook his head as he glanced at the tree and the fence line.
It is amazing how much love one five-foot+ llama could stir up on one little street in one small town. I folded my hands and closed my eyes. "Dear Lord, the next time I say I need someone to fetch and carry... please make it at least human."
Tags: Humor Retirement
