My heart is heavy this evening. I miss my Mama so much. Every time that the phone rings, I expect it to be her. I cried and cried earlier and now my blood pressure is through the roof. I want to run and scream and cry and I cannot because I am afraid too. I cannot accept the fact that she is gone.
In my mind I know that she is no longer here, but in my heart I just cannot accept that I cannot go see her or call her. I need her more now than I ever did before. I need her to be my Mommy and kiss this big Boo-boo on my heart and make it go away. I need her here. There is so much left unsaid, so much I still wanted to do with her and for her.
My daughter told me that she knows that she cannot be here for me when I have lost my mother, but I had to remember that I would not be there for her when she loses her mother either. This is so true. I dread the thought of my children one day going through what I am going through. I never want them to hurt like I hurt or feel what I feel.
There is a cold numbness deep within my very soul that is void of emotion or feeling. It is there to which I want to run and hide. It is there where I feel safe and secure. There she is still here and none of this is real.
My husband works nights and I have never been afraid to be alone or worried because he is not here while I sleep. Since Mama died, I dread being alone at night. It is as if the darkness holds unknown terror and bad news. I usually take a sleeping pill before he leaves and then jump under the covers and force myself to go to sleep. The problem then is my dreams. In my dreams she is there, the pain is there, all of the agony of losing her is there. I awake feeling tired and drained as if I have fought a long battle all through the night.
I need my husband, he has to work and he is not here. My children are hundreds and even thousands of miles away and I feel as if I am so alone. I am alone and sad, sadder than I have ever been. There are wonderful people that love me who have been there, but there is no one that I feel I can cry and scream with. I want someone to just hold me and allow me to scream until I cannot scream anymore. I want someone here to hold my hand and wipe my tears. I want someone to make it all better and no one can do that like a mother can.
Her job is not finished. I am not complete. I am broken, tired and miserable. I feel so drained yet so full of dread. There hangs a curtain of dread everywhere that I look. No one can see it, but it is there. I feel it lurking just over my head waiting to drop down and swallow me within its dark folds to be forever lost.
I finish her house tomorrow and then what? I have boxes piled nearly to the ceiling in one of my spare rooms. She had so little and yet so much. I cannot go through it. I cannot discard her things. I cannot allow myself to sit and hold her things. I hold onto her through putting them away out of my sight since they are constant reminders of her loss.
I feel my world spiraling out of control as if on a merry-go-round that is speeding up faster and faster. I cannot breathe as my heart races faster and faster. I feel like I am falling and there is no one here to catch me.
I know I have God. I know that He is here and yet that is not enough. Is that selfish of me? Am I wrong to need more than Him right now? I want to be surrounded by people. I want to be surrounded by LIFE. I want to forget and pretend as if none of this is real. I want to awaken tomorrow and find it all a very bad nightmare.
I have had to be strong. I have had to make decisions and take actions. Wednesday I will travel to Mobile to pick her up and bring her back here. I did not want these chores. I did not ask life to slap me in the face with these tasks, but there is no one else to take my place. They all have lives which they had to return to and that left me here, all alone.
I received a bad report at the doctor today and all I wanted was to fall into my mother’s arms and cry and I cannot do that. It is not fair. I need her! I need her now more than ever before. I want to scream at God and demand that this not be real, but I am scared to do that too. Fear lurks in every corner and I am so afraid.
Tonight I need my mother, my husband, my children and my friends and there is no one here. I am all alone and I cannot stand it. My heart is breaking into a trillion or more pieces and there is no one here to help me stop it. I feel like my world is crashing down around me and I am falling and there is no one here to catch me as I am falling into a deep dark hole of depression, fear and extreme sadness.
I suppose that I need prayer. I need someone to seek God on my behalf because tonight I cannot even pray. All I can do is swallow a pill to calm my nerves and then take another one to make me sleep. Perhaps if I could just sleep and not dream tomorrow would be a better day. Perhaps then the healing could begin and the peace I so desperately need could arrive with the breaking of the dawn. What a nice thought; rest and peace. Will I ever experience them again?
Tags: Death Fear Dread Darkness Lonliness
